Student Realizes Resolutions ‘Weren’t Important Anyway’ After First Day


A new semester is here and Florida State students are returning to Tallahassee well rested and ready to take on the new year. Common resolutions include losing weight, studying more, and trying not to cry oneself to sleep as after experiencing the crushing realization that life is inherently meaningless and nothing matters. However, one student has chosen an alternate to the ever-common goal setting that accompanies a new year- quit while he’s ahead. “Yeah, I thought about it and the whole thing just seemed almost as dumb as that movie Joy,” said first year grad student Anthony Holm. “I made up this list of things when I was home and thought it was a pretty good idea. But I also thought taking an 8am this semester and buying an Apple Watch was a good idea too so I don't exactly have the greatest track record.

Holm’s resolutions, among other things, included eating less Taco Bell and smoking 75% less weed. “But then I got back up here and it was cold as shit, and my teacher actually taught on the first day,” added Holm as he exhaled a bong rip as well as any shred of motivation of being better this year. “And all I wanted was to slip on my Snuggie and binge eat Crunchwrap Supremes. This whole thing has really taught me to never take the good things in my life for granted."

While similar mindsets are often met with criticism, Holm urges everyone to take a good hard look at themselves before judging him. “Let’s be honest, you’re still the same piece of shit you were in 2015 and you’re definitely not going to give up your shower beer time, or drunk text your ex any less. Just accept that you’re a pulsating waste of space one week into the new year like me. It’s easier that way.”