With finals wrapping up and the start of winter break, FSU students are now beginning the riveting car rides back home consisting of “no I totally do not have to pee” reassurances and keeping your cool about not playing “I Spy” because you’re an adult now. Like many others, sophomore McKenzie Blatt had been dreading this time of year, until her soul was saved by the billboards on I-10. “From the moment I saw the massive face of Jesus omnisciently towering over 6 lanes of traffic, right behind the Café Risqué billboard, I knew something truly holy was happening within me,” explained Blatt. “I was shocked by the billboard’s dominating presence and huge size. It’s almost as big as the gaping hole in my self-identity!” Before this moral revelation, Blatt actually had some rational thoughts, but eventually realized the only way to learn proper morals is from a cardboard rectangle depicting bloody baby hands that reads “Don’t kill us, Mom.”
While Blatt wholeheartedly and blindly accepts deep personal values advertised on the same medium as the next Dairy Queen stop and clean toilets, her best friend from home, Jessica Greene is more skeptical. “Wait—I thought Bible verses only had a place on the ribcages of girls who haven’t been to church since their baptism but still wear cross pendants. Is that not cool anymore?” Greene asked, casually deleting the Instagram post of her topless and turned sideways (definitely not sucking in), exposing a quote from Psalms on her side with just two fingers covering her nipple.
Although concerned about exactly how difficult it is to get a tattoo removed, Greene says that she is happy for Blatt for finally finding her own mindless cult to be brainwashed into. “I really didn’t think she would be able to do it, especially after her unsuccessful rush experience. I’m just glad this country has an endless supply of corrupt institutions to sell your soul to. God bless the U.S.A.”