Florida State students could not believe their eyes when Jack Lansing strutted into his 9 A.M. lecture with nothing but a pen in his hand and a leather jacket slung over his right shoulder. Armed with a false sense of confidence based solely on his amount of Tinder super likes, Lansing knew nothing in class would be important enough for him to need something to write it on, but he should at least bring a pen for any ladies that might want to take down his number. “My grades have plummeted since I can only fit so many notes on my arms and I usually sweat them off by the time I get home anyway because until recently it was definitely too hot for my leather jacket,” explained Lansing, checking his armpit to see if his history notes were still there. “But since I started bringing only a pen to class, my street cred has skyrocketed. Some people think paper or a computer are ‘necessary for class’ and they’re totally right...NOT!” Upon hearing this sick burn, Lansing’s classmate Ken Damon immediately started crying.
“I don’t know how he does it. Even on test days, I bring my entire backpack stocked with things I know I won’t need. I also just splurged on a nice Patagonia puffer jacket to try to look like Drake in the 'Hotline Bling’ video, so I doubt I can afford a leather jacket at this point,” said Ken, desperately trying to fit his backpack straps over his obnoxious puffer jacket and then moping away to the tune of “Christmastime Is Here” from Charlie Brown. “I’ll never be as cool as Jack Lansing!”
“Look, I’m no hero. I just care way more about looking like Zac Efron in 17 Again when he gets out of the car in his leather jacket carrying a binder than I care about having even a mediocre future. The real hero and my inspiration, Todd from Business Calculus, doesn’t even bring a pen to class because he’s ‘got it all up here,’” said Lansing, tapping his head before running a hand through his perfectly greased hair. “It’s like he always says: C’s get degrees!” Lansing then clicked his pen and walked into the sunset, finding the second sleeve of his leather jacket with complete ease.