With finals week in full swing, stressed and frustrated FSU students have begun binge drinking coffee and leveraging the “season of giving,” hoping that their one friend with an Adderall prescription will catch the gist. Florida State, always a compassionate institution, has in response temporarily changed name of its “FSU Secure” wifi network to “FSU Insecure,” to mirror the collective feeling of disdain across campus. “They’re totally gonna get the joke right?” Inquired president John Thrasher as he carefully selected his Christmas bonus hot tub from a catalog specifically marketed towards overpaid university presidents. “It’s a pun on the wifi name, get it? But like it’s funny because it’s the feeling of insecurity, you know? Like how they feel about their grades right now but also life as millennials in an increasingly slim post-grad job market! Hahaha wow, I’m good.”
When asked if they are in favor of the wifi network change, students seemed mostly concerned with whether or not this would make the wifi actually work. To clarify, it will not. It’s just a fun inside joke slightly more original than putting bubbles in one of the fountains.
“Just suck it up and enjoy it,” continued Thrasher, now frustrated with the lack of response to his hilarious idea. “Everybody in ya’ll’s generation needs to just take a deep breath, loosen up and stop being so PC all the time, my God!”***
***Or Allah, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed, Moses, your zodiac sign, Zeus, a pile of rocks outside your local Dairy Queen, whatever atheists are into (Ricky Gervais?), an exceptionally cute dog, Kim Davis, etc.