After wasting multiple semesters’ financial aid refunds on penis enlargement pills and hand-shrinking potions, local disappointment and all-around shitstain Joseph Foster finally has something that is truly “too big to fit.”
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As one student was rear-ended in the parking lot by some guy who thinks he’s Mario frickin’ Andretti, Publix shoppers on Tuesday simultaneously dropped their BOGO Bagel Thins out of horror at an even more disturbing scene inside.
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As Facebook, Instagram and Twitter flooded with ‘Obligatory First Day Photo :P’ posts on Monday, students all across campus were slow in returning to their regularly scheduled programming after a nice, relaxing Winter Break, not including that awkward encounter with your new step-dad.
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Tallahassee weather is notoriously fickle, but is always warmer than states like Connecticut or Canada, because of geography or whatever hoax the Chinese have cooked up this week.
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The week after Thanksgiving is always filled with leftover turkey sandwiches, tears from tasting real food after a semester of eating ass for three months straight and fear of upcoming final exams.
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College is one of the best opportunities for adolescents to discover and build their identity as budding young adults. Since enrolling in Intro to Philosophy, however, first year student Freddy Neetz has completely rejected this notion in favor of reaching what he considers “enlightenment through a disconnection of the self, duuuuuuude.”
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There’s nothing quite like the early morning walk to class. Whether or not the day will be enjoyable is all shaped by the walk; the weather, the degree and amount of uphill walking, and most importantly, what song will be blasting outside of the on-campus Denny’s. There isn’t anyone who knows or appreciates the importance of this more than Denny’s DJ, Jace Kason.
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A group of concerned and loyal friends gathered to confront their peer about a behavioral pattern that they deemed a sheer act of delusion and “totes a waste of time.”
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Every fall, first year students from all walks of life come to Florida State to experience quality higher education, tell anyone that will listen that they’re “a sophomore in credits” and handle the crippling self-doubt that comes with having to seriously plan out your life without the social supports they’ve had for the past 18 years.
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While most students admittedly sign up for the class thinking they’ll learn why Scorpios are so intimidating and Geminis are so fake, those with a hard-on for Neil deGrasse Tyson have a lot of suitable questions coming into FSU’s most popular astronomy course.
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After so many semesters of street harassment and “hey come to my noise band’s show tonight ;)”s, FSU senior Tanya Garcia decided she’d had enough. Exhausted from her years of mentally repelling the male gaze of the student body, Garcia was extremely frustrated.
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After seeing most of her friends find significant others in preparation for Tallahassee’s weird excuse for winter, sophomore Diana Sevilla has been searching from Westcott Fountain to Fresh Foods in hopes of finding a warm male to latch on to at least until spring and hopefully beyond.
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FSU sophomores Alanna Brown and Martin Smith have been dating for two years, in which time they have enjoyed quiet sex and rewatched Friends four times.
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After Freshman Gilbert Boyd released his usual 3 tons of water sitting inside of him all class long, he experienced something that no Total Frat Move article he read in high school could have prepared him for.
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Tired of using Google’s text to speech just to hear a female voice tell him they love him, FSU Engineering student Eugene Tinker has begun experimenting with advanced Artificial Intelligence (AI).
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After three days of wilding out on Publix BOGOs and ordering fountain drinks at restaurants instead of complimentary water, students all across campus released a synchronous sigh of contentment as Parents’ Weekend drew to a close.
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Local feminist and biochemistry major Ashleigh McKinley surprised her classmates in a Bio 2 lab this past Thursday by literally eating an entire coral snake in a heroic yet undefined act of protest.
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After two years of having to deal with human roommates who role play season 2 of Game of Thrones with their half-cousin at 2 AM, Junior Andrea Hinshaw decided to move out.
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While it’s common knowledge that the Greek system exists at many public colleges and universities for the purpose of cultivating close relationships across racial, gender and socioeconomic lines, it is lesser known that these same organizations are NOT about popularity! While it’s common knowledge that the Greek system exists at many public colleges and universities for the purpose of cultivating close relationships across racial, gender and socioeconomic lines, it is lesser known that these same organizations are NOT about popularity!While it’s common knowledge that the Greek system exists at many public colleges and universities for the purpose of cultivating close relationships across racial, gender and socioeconomic lines, it is lesser known that these same organizations are NOT about popularity!
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It’s pomping szn! That’s right, the time for hours of menial tissue paper folding is upon us. Homecoming floats need to be covered and thousands of your organization’s dollars need to be spent. While tissue paper is, of course, the most noble of causes and completely deserving of the time and money dedicated to it, there are a few other options that could be fun to consider when it comes to blowing that chedda!
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