College is one of the best opportunities for adolescents to discover and build their identity as budding young adults. Since enrolling in Intro to Philosophy, however, first year student Freddy Neetz has completely rejected this notion in favor of reaching what he considers “enlightenment through a disconnection of the self, duuuuuuude.”
According to an annoyed AppleCare technician, Neetz recently deleted the word “I” from his iPhone predictive text and jail-broke his device to prevent Siri from addressing him by his name. This act was only the beginning of his pretentious spiral into pseudo-philosophical ramblings and performances that were sure to irritate everyone.
“He keeps trying to take down his name door decoration to ‘better disassociate from his identity’ but, like, it’s required to have those up so it’s getting annoying,” said Alex Coran, Neetz’s burnt-out RA. “He also acts as if I don’t know that he smokes the devil’s lettuce in his bathroom. But I know. I just don’t say anything about it because I’m exhausted from filling out paperwork about the recurring turd in the communal shower.”
The friction between Neetz and Coran is not the only trouble that Neetz causes in the residence halls. According to roommate Neil Jones, their relationship has been rocky since the beginning. “When we were writing up our roommate agreement, he kept insisting that we share everything, including our families and people that we brought home,” said Jones as he submitted yet another roommate exchange request to University Housing and flushed the mushrooms Neetz picked on Landis Green down the toilet. “He FaceTimes my mom every night, wears my underwear and insists on pushing our beds together to cuddle whenever my girlfriend stays the night! I’m sick of it!”
"I model my room environment off of Plato’s ideal state, which dictates a communism of property and family. With a concept of ownership comes a concept of self, which is exactly what I’m trying to rid myself of. Neil should be grateful that I’m taking him on this journey of enlightenment,” Neetz said while staring longingly at the Fight Club poster next to his bed that he definitely masturbates to every night. “Also, Neil’s mom -- I mean OUR mom -- is really nice and deserves to be called every night.”
Reminiscent of his first step towards ego death and Apple’s most recent removal of the headphone jack despite the protests and anger of consumers, Neetz has begun removing “I” from the predictive text of every iPhone he comes across. In response, Apple has started marketing a Bluetooth-connected device to re-enter words into predictive text starting at $149.99, Steve Jobs rolled over in his grave and Jones submitted yet another roommate exchange request.