Every fall, first year students from all walks of life come to Florida State to experience quality higher education, tell anyone that will listen that they’re “a sophomore in credits” and handle the crippling self-doubt that comes with having to seriously plan out your life without the social supports they’ve had for the past 18 years. Alongside these much-anticipated events is something that first years are not as excited about: the Freshman Fifteen. But freshman Richard Speedy isn’t worried about the impending weight gain. In fact, he doesn’t seem to know what the Freshman Fifteen really is at all.
“I don’t see what the big deal about it is,” said Speedy as he ate a whole pizza from Seminole Pies while avoiding looking at the Leach Center. “Lasting fifteen seconds in bed isn’t bad. Playing Seven Minutes in Heaven in high school always felt like a marathon to me, anyway. Besides, fast sex means less time to get attached and more time to go to the dining hall for second dinner. It’s efficient, really.”
According to reports from disappointed partners, Speedy really adheres to the last part of the ‘I’m here for a good time, not a long time’ lyric that is in his Tinder bio. “I thought he was being funny when he asked me to ‘Vine and chill’ instead of ‘Netflix and chill,’ but then we literally watched one Vine and he was ready to go,” said Alicia Galan, a freshman in credits AND year and one of Speedy’s one-night stands. “I wouldn’t even call what we had a ‘one-night stand.’ It was more like a one-twilight stand; short, fleeting and characterized by decline. He asked me if I finished and I said yes, mostly so I could get back to my search for a man who can at least get through a Vine THREAD before ejaculating.”
“The Freshman Fifteen was really convenient when I masturbated because FSUSecure always disconnects after 15 seconds,” Speedy said, wiping dried ramen noodles off of his pants. “But then I realized that the standards men are held to in the porn industry are ridiculous - they have to last for a full ten minutes while Busty Brianna gets to just sit back, relax and be demonized by people who ‘would never fuck a dirty-ass porn star’ but also learned everything they know about sex from watching on their premium PornHub accounts. Someone needs to stand up for men once and for all.” Speedy has since become an anti-pornography activist, meaning that he only watches it on incognito windows and that it “barely counts because I only get through 1/100th of it.”