After three days of wilding out on Publix BOGOs and ordering fountain drinks at restaurants instead of complimentary water, students all across campus released a synchronous sigh of contentment as Parents’ Weekend drew to a close. But while most students took ice luge shots with their moms, who inadvertently contracted Hand, Foot & Mouth disease and gave it to their husbands, who then gave it to the young women they made out with at Pot’s, one freshman wasn’t so lucky. Jeremy Nixon’s weekend started and ended when his parents arrived on Friday afternoon and found a forgotten bong sitting on his dresser. After a stern talking to, Jeremy was grounded with no TV or Internet for a whole week.
“I tried telling her it was a piece of lab equipment for chemistry, but I’m an English major,” said Nixon, when asked if he, a legal adult, even tried to stand up for himself while his mother reamed him in Gilchrist Hall. “I haven’t been grounded since I tried grinding down our staircase banister in 8th grade so I was pretty shook. I tried telling her that I’m a man now, and she was in MY personal Florida State-owned and operated domicile, but I didn’t want to test my limits because I really needed her to buy me more FlexBucks. She ended up throwing my bong in the dumpster outside, but I’m pretty sure it was broken anyways. Every time I blew into it, water just shot out of the other side.”
“Mrs. Nixon told me to take whatever measures I felt necessary to further his punishment, from confiscating anything I would consider ‘technology’ to spanking him,” said Gilchrist RA Matthew Noble as he dragged Nixon’s bare mattress into a storage closet. “I learned in my Introduction to Anthropology class that a lot of people still don’t believe in evolution, and also that anything man-made is considered technology, so I’m taking this opportunity to show my other residents how funny I can be! But let me know if you hear anyone spreading the myth of creationism because that is NOT a laughing matter.”
“I mostly feel sorry for my roommate. He was there when my mom hit Mach Five, and he didn’t even have a dog to pet while he pretended to ignore my evisceration,” Nixon explained as he struggled to carve one of the apples his parents stocked in his mini-fridge into a makeshift pipe. “It worked out though because as soon as my mom stormed off, my dad gave me $200 to drink the bong water. So the weekend wasn’t a complete L, except for the loss of all hope and support for the FSU football team by every student, faculty member and alumni.”
When asked for comment, Nixon’s father said, “I’m just glad my son's not a total dweeb, but enough about him - do you think that girl down the hall is into older dudes? Wait shut up, here she comes."