Girl Power! This Feminist Showed Her Bio Lab What’s What When She Ate a Live Coral Snake

Local feminist and biochemistry major Ashleigh McKinley surprised her classmates in a Bio 2 lab this past Thursday by literally eating an entire coral snake in a heroic yet undefined act of protest. “Women are paid substantially less for the same work as men!” Shouted McKinley, as the slick tail of the once powerful reptile struggled, relented and finally slid down her throat. “The patriarchy and white supremacy cannot be separated! Reproductive rights are human rights! I felt the life finally drain from this poison demon as it was halfway down my esophagus!”

“Yeah, not the first time this has happened. She ate a worm in Bio 1 lab for body positivity or trans rights or like, violence against women,” said Tymothee Filch, McKinley’s former lab partner, grimacing at the memory over a cold toilet in a King building bathroom. “I was really there for it all until she licked her lips with the tail still sticking out and made direct eye contact with me. It was traumatizing, but also I definitely just found my kink.”

“It’s actually really hard to catch snakes,” said McKinley, who has reportedly been planning the demonstration and researching snake venom antidotes since she got her fall class schedule in April. “When I saw that there would be 13 people in my bio lab, I knew that this was my chance to really amplify the feminist message.”

“This is actually the ninth protest of its kind just this fall,” said embattled biology professor Leb Newber as he speed-dialed poison control. Newber has talked to the rest of Biology Department to make sure every lab is now stocked with 50 cubic centimeters of antivenom and a copy of Elizabeth Cady Stanton's memoirs for de-escalation. “And to be frank, I’m tired of this shit. To show my displeasure with the current state of protest in Bio labs, I will subject my face to a thousand stings from baby jellyfish for the rest of the afternoon.”

The Eggplant FSU