After Freshman Gilbert Boyd released his usual 3 tons of water sitting inside of him all class long, he experienced something that no Total Frat Move article he read in high school could have prepared him for. Upon extending his infrequently washed hands in front of the HCB automatic towel dispenser, Boyd questioned his actual physical existence as he received nothing, not even a red light flash of acknowledgement in return.
“It was really a split decision - I wasn’t even going to wash my hands until I noticed that Pike in there and started getting suspicious of his sanitation habits and related diseases,” reported Boyd, who was found lying in a cold sweat in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. “I just thought today was like any other day in terms of self hate, but it turns out to be much much more than that.” Boyd then worked his way up to a standing position and slowly reached his hand out to touch its reflection in the mirror, then proceeded to jump when his finger hit the glass.
Junior Sam Beret, a witness, reported the horror of watching Boyd realize he wasn’t a real human after being denied at the machine of crushed dreams. “At first he was definitely in denial, but by the tenth try, the dude was so shocked at his inexistence he peed himself like 2 feet away from the urinal. It was super sad but it was even worse when he instinctively went to the paper towel machine to clean that mess up and was just reminded again of his horrible situation,” explained Beret as he walked directly through Boyd’s gradually dissolving figure to get to the door.
After assessing the situation calmly and realistically, Boyd has decided that college isn’t really for him after all, and he needs to find who he truly is by packing his bags, moving back home to Boca Raton and working for his dad’s drywall company. “No no no, this has absolutely nothing to do with my newfound anonymity and how scary it can be coming to a large college after leaving a high school that rewards obnoxious kids more than decent ones,” Boyd explained. “We at war with terrorism, the automatic paper towel industry and most of all...we at war with ourselves.”