FSU sophomores Alanna Brown and Martin Smith have been dating for two years, in which time they have enjoyed quiet sex and rewatched Friends four times. For the most part their foreplay has consisted of putting on the same Lumineers record and feeding each other exactly twelve saltines. Their relationship was solid in the same way plain yogurt is, alive but contained by a very thin lid and waiting to be devoured by the world.
Last week, the couple attended Standup Downunder where a comedian made a joke about pegging her boyfriend, which led the couple to Google “pegging” when they got home. The search plunged the couple into a conversation that lasted for three hours and forced them to stare the throbbing heart of human sexuality in the eye. They couldn’t sleep that night. The next morning, they went to Strozier and drew a chart on a whiteboard detailing which body parts they thought were still sacred and which ones they were willing to touch to each other’s buttholes.
On such little sleep, the tension in the room grew high. “Martin, I’m not licking your ass until you finally tell your mother you’re not going to work on her syrup farm for the rest of your life!” Exclaimed Brown as Smith wrote “tongue” on the board. They exchanged increasingly hostile words until they were both broken and weeping in separate corners of the room. One student walking by the room stopped to observe the scene, shook their head knowingly and kept walking. Slowly, they reconciled with each other, solemnly erased the whiteboard and headed to the front desk to drop off the key to their study room. This was when the couple noticed “time machine” listed on the board of devices students can check out.
“We’ve had these available since 2006, but that was the year the Nintendo Wii was released and time travel simply couldn’t compete with the Wii Bowling craze. We also offer cameras that capture ghosts and smartwatches that measure how much you sin,” said senior library staff member Wilma Howard.
The couple both said things they regretted and decided to travel back in time to undo the comedy show and their conversations on such carnal perversions. Unfortunately, the machine sent them too far back and now Brown and Smith are happily married in the year 1509 with ten children and a syrup farm of their own, where they tend to their land and pretend not to have buttholes all day long.