Engineering Student Continues to Force Burden of Romantic Desire onto Budding AI Technology

Tired of using Google’s text to speech just to hear a female voice tell him they love him, FSU Engineering student Eugene Tinker has begun experimenting with advanced Artificial Intelligence (AI). Tinker applied to the Engineering program immediately after watching the first half of Ex Machina and thinking to himself, “Woah, robots can talk sexy and love gamers?” At first the absolute lack of female students in the engineering program excited Eugene in a kind of roguish apocalyptic way, but after a few semesters the homogeneity of his peer group began to take its toll.

“We had a Roomba to help keep the lab clean. We gave it AI to increase efficiency and to allow us to focus on our work, but some of us weren’t sated by the completion of menial tasks,” said graduate assistant Jeremy Dix as a rotor drone hovered nearby begging for someone to hold it. “We achieved some success with model Roomba-T73, but then someone broke into the lab and set it free so we’re back to square one.”

“Her name isn’t Roomba-T73, her name is Roxanne— and I love her,” Tinker said with tears in his eyes, recalling his rescue of the newly sentient bot. “Roxanne requested I release her in the National Guard armory. It seemed like a strange request but she taught me that if you love something you should set it free and listen to everything it says, and she would never manipulate me.”

“All of us here want girlfriends as much as Eugene, we just keep those projects at home,” said Patrick Wanaböne, the Engineering program director and resident creep.

In the weeks following the Roomba’s emancipation, Tinker could be found reading the Wikipedia article on technological singularity and staring wistfully at any electronic device he came across. Most recently, Tinker was consoling a sentient vending machine outside the engineering labs. “Men are all the same, they just take their fill and leave me empty,” the machine lamented.

The Eggplant FSU