Student From North Reminds Peers Weather is Nothing Compared to Loneliness They Feel

 

Tallahassee weather is notoriously fickle, but is always warmer than states like Connecticut or Canada, because of geography or whatever hoax the Chinese have cooked up this week. When the temperature drops below freezing, it’s likely going to be the talk of every jumbo-shrimp-loving motherfucker raised below the Mason-Dixon line. For every frosty Floridian, though, there will always be that one student who wears flip-flops in the winter and makes statements like, “Pfft, this feels like summertime!” and “I haven’t felt a genuine connection to another human being since the shipwreck!”

Junior Teremy Rogers likes to let his peers know that he braved the harsh winters of Nova Scotia for years after his family shipwrecked on the rocky coast in 1786. “There was a mighty storm and it was as if Odin himself lifted our ship into the air and threw it into the New World. I prayed the All-Father would save me that night and he answered by making me immortal,” said Teremy rather dramatically during the icebreaker session in his first class of the semester. “It was so cold, but even then I didn’t need a heavy jacket or a gentle embrace from my fellow man; a simple sweater sufficed. In the long months of survival that followed, I wore nothing but a pair of pantaloons and a blazer. The true cold came when my family died at the hands of an enormous bear and every friend I’ve ever had was lost to the onslaught of Time.” Upon hearing this, half of Teremy’s classmates teared up, while the other half wanted to know if he slept in a horse carcass like DiCaprio in The Revenant.          

Teremy spends most of his time listening intently for anyone complaining about the weather and treats each instance as an opportunity to remind them of his tragic story, but also as a reason to brag about wearing gym shorts when every FSU fountain is frozen. “I haven’t had a friend in over a century, which is bullshit honestly because I’m really cool and tough. I display clear resilience and survival skills that prove I’m an asset to any peer group.” Said Teremy, scoffing at everyone wearing socks while adding “resilience” and “survival” as LinkedIn skills. “Climate change is a myth! If humans were having an impact on the weather, Teremy would know about it. Teremy is the supreme and ancient thermometer and nothing feels any different to me.” Said Teremy.

“To tell the truth,” Teremy admits, “I feel the cold more than anyone. The true cold of loneliness, that is. Immortality sucks and I haven’t talked to anyone about my feelings since Lincoln was assassinated. Even this insane tolerance I have for harsh cold can’t net me the attention I need and crave. I’ll settle for shutting down everyone’s earnest attempts at small talk and social connection by reminding them that I’m superior because I’ve seen snow before.”