In an act of unparalleled gentlemanliness, local nice guy Joe Belloni held the door for a group of people that happened to include one female. He then proceeded to broadcast his act of valor over the incredibly unpopular social media platform Yik Yak to prove to all three women on the app that chivalry is, in fact, not dead.

Student Brandon Yang has reportedly aced the LSAT after binge-watching the popular Netflix documentary series Making A Murderer in less than two days. The series, which follows the real life case of Steven Avery, who was put on trial for the murder of Teresa Halbach after being wrongfully convicted years prior, reportedly taught Yang everything he needed to know about the legal system.

Students of Professor Joshua Chen’s speech class have come to the conclusion that Professor Chen is officially sweaty enough to make class weird. According to student accounts it is mostly because even on days that require a minimum of four layers to stay warm, he still comes through looking like he just ran a marathon through Death Valley in the middle of July.

Students reported late Tuesday afternoon that a story written by local creative writing major Noah Glass that he read to his creative fiction workshop class was not only terrible, but clearly about himself.

With bouts of beautiful weather, Tallahassee has officially begun teasing its residents and lying to tour groups. On such days, students are eager to spend time out on Landis with a frisbee, their dogs, a hammock or in the case of everyone’s least favorite couple, on top of each other with what can only be described as unnaturally heavy foreplay.

PRO: The mouthwatering taste of God’s nectar: sweet tea. CON: The unpleasant aftertaste of realizing that their God hates gays.

Junior economics major Seth Jaffrey has always been known to have a song in his soul that he needed to get out. Fortunately for nobody except himself, Jaffrey has strategically found the most disruptive and inconvenient time to express his self-proclaimed musical expertise by tapping his foot through the entirety of his ECO 3104 lecture.

On what was supposed to be an ordinary Monday night Intro to Film screening, freshman Tristan Ames reportedly impressed everyone by showing up to class wearing a full three-piece suit. Reports from his classmates indicate that the screening, an early release of Adam Sandler’s Grown Ups 3: The Revenge of the Grown Ups, could hardly be heard over the chattering caused by Mr. Ames’ impressive getup.

Local student Ahmad Oliveros reportedly began to realize he doesn’t need the textbook for his class, much to his horror. Oliveros had to buy Applied Mathematics for the College Student, 43rd edition, with the afterword signed by the professor himself.

According to an anonymous source, recent college senior Reed Rodriguez is reportedly at risk of applying to grad school. Feeling the need to “grow in an academic atmosphere that focuses on his actual passion as opposed to passing mind numbing prerequisites,” he has decided to apply to graduate school in Iowa for an MFA in 17th Century Literature.

Wednesday marks another class of uncomfortable thirst observation for the students of Introduction to Fiction Writing as they were forced to endure another round of classmate Paula Hayes’ horrendous flirting with their professor.