Should You Be a Godless Heathen and Get Chick-Fil-A Again This Week?
PRO: The mouthwatering taste of God’s nectar: sweet tea.
CON: The unpleasant aftertaste of realizing that their God hates gays.
PRO: When you thank the employees, they respond with “my pleasure.”
CON: But the blank stare on their face really says, “Bitch how many spicy chicken sandwiches are you gonna eat this week!?”
PRO: Eating mor chik’n...
CON: ...that has probably been injected with chemicals, caged and electrocuted.
PRO: The grease on your hands will leave your skin silky smooth like cocoa butter. Mmmm.
CON: Touching your lover’s face with them will leave pools of oil and crispy crusties. Mmmm.
PRO: The employees treat you with kindness and respect.
CON: You’re going to start questioning why your cashier has shown you more appreciation than your boyfriend of 2 years.
PRO: Their crispy, flaky waffle fries never get old.
CON: Literally--they will not rot if you leave them out for a month. They will outlast you, your grandchildren and your grandchildren’s children (who will be caramel and queer). In the event of an apocalypse, the only things left surviving will be cockroaches, Nokia phones and waffle fries.
PRO: It’s a quick and easy meal.
CON: It’s not so quick and easy to beat heart disease: America’s #1 killer.
PRO: Supersized ketchup packets perfect for dipping your nugs in.
CON: Broadly, your taste buds have grown desensitized to Chick-Fil-A’s flavor palate. At this point, you’re actually just dipping your own fingers in ketchup. You’re a mere pawn in their greasy game now.