Terrible Creative Workshop Story Clearly About Writer


Students reported late Tuesday afternoon that a story written by local creative writing major Noah Glass that he read to his creative fiction workshop class was not only terrible, but clearly about himself. The story, titled “Mr. America,” is reportedly about a handsome, privileged straight white man who nonetheless feels that life is unfair and goes on road trips where he has consequence-free sex with random women until being rewarded with the quirky girl of his dreams. “I just feel like it really cuts to the core of a struggle people really don’t talk about anymore,” Glass said as he put down his mason jar filled with kombucha and scrolled through McSweeney’s while blasting the newest album by The Decemberists. “Straight white males that don’t feel happy literally all the time go through so much and it’s finally time a story like mine could be told. We already have Orange Is The New Black, it’s time to shift the focus back to the straight white male.”

“Yeah, it was so transparently about him, it was embarrassing just to hear,” said student Luna Aguilera while she organized her collection of signed Junot Díaz books. “He complains about my story having two sentences in Spanish making it ‘culturally alienating’ and then springs that derivative white nonsense on us. Pendejo.”

“I mean, technically speaking, it’s well-written,” said Jensen Richards, a grad student, while thinking about his student debt and rethinking the whole grad school thing. “But this dude has definitely actually popped a boner while reading Hemingway and also probably shares his view of women.”

At press time it’s been reported that Glass has already been courted by several Brooklyn lit publications, all run by bearded white men named Mason, and even The New Yorker, who added “if we regularly have Colin Jost write pieces for us, we’ll take anyone apparently as long as they’re white and untalented.”