With bouts of beautiful weather, Tallahassee has officially begun teasing its residents and lying to tour groups. On such days, students are eager to spend time out on Landis with a frisbee, their dogs, a hammock or in the case of everyone’s least favorite couple, on top of each other with what can only be described as unnaturally heavy foreplay. “It makes me feel like sin,” vented freshman Ashleigh Canter, panting while scrubbing her eyes out with soap and hand sanitizer. “I just went out there to read the booklet that came with Adele’s “25” and sob uncontrollably but then they sat next to me and before I knew it they were on top of each other talking about experimenting with butt stuff.”
Students have begun petitioning for administration to take action through a sister movement to Florida State University's “Tobacco Free Campus.” Even though there would be no enforceable legal weight behind a “PDA Free Campus,” it would allow for innocent victims like Canter to feel comfortable enough to audibly gag any time a couple’s affection started getting a little too handsy.
“It really would bring the power to the students and create a much needed safe space, especially with V*lentine’s Day approaching so quickly,” explained Jeremy Tutor as he drafted the petition while scream-singing along to the Hamilton soundtrack, pretending to be Alexander Hamilton. “It’s like when you cough as you pass someone who’s smoking a cigarette; you could’ve just been coughing or you could’ve been their wake up call.”