At-Risk Senior Dangerously Close To Applying To Grad School


According to an anonymous source, recent college senior Reed Rodriguez is reportedly at risk of applying to grad school. Feeling the need to “grow in an academic atmosphere that focuses on his actual passion as opposed to passing mind numbing prerequisites,” he has decided to apply to graduate school in Iowa for an MFA in 17th Century Literature. “I can’t imagine what he’s going through," said fellow student Sanjay Shah, furiously scrolling through LinkedIn and DM-ing several potential employers “y’all hiring?” “The fact that he’ll graduate and not immediately struggle to find a career with a bachelor’s degree in the real world and settle for a minimum wage job for God knows how long like the rest of us is truly heartbreaking.”

“When I realized I wanted to apply to grad school, I was speechless,” Rodriguez said, sifting through texts and cards from friends offering their condolences. “I’m trying my best to handle this situation with grace and be positive about it, but I know this can only end in one way for me: staggering debt and unhappiness.”

Reed has joined a support group for fellow students who are also at-risk of applying for grad school and is slowly coming to terms with his condition. He’s even starting dating a quirky doomed woman named Johanna Blue, who’s applying to grad school for an MFA in Applied American Politics and Policy. “It’s a metaphor, see?” said Joanna while burning a one hundred dollar bill outside of the support group one day. “You go to undergrad classes but don’t let them teach you and then you burn through a shit load of money in grad school because you’re insecure and think it will make you happy. Maybe lifelong crippling debt will be our always.”