Yik Yakker Argues “Chivalry Not Dead” In Yak About Himself


In an act of unparalleled gentlemanliness, local nice guy Joe Belloni held the door for a group of people that happened to include one female. He then proceeded to broadcast his act of valor over the incredibly unpopular social media platform Yik Yak to prove to all three women on the app that chivalry is, in fact, not dead. “You could say I have a history of being nice to women. I always whistle when the hot ones walk past me to let them know they look good. In clubs, I make sure to grind on them without asking so they don’t feel lonely,” announced the modern feminist hero before sending the same sequence of GIFs to all of his Tinder matches and then asking if they’re DTF. “I know they appreciate it but I get really unlucky and they always have boyfriends. Classic asshole guys that don’t treat them right, when I, Joe Belloni, just wait patiently to wine, dine and sixty-nine them!”

Sophie Carr, the girl lucky enough to live across the hall from Belloni, was also informed of Belloni’s act by the legend himself. “I don’t use Yik Yak. I don’t really know anyone besides Joe that still does, but he screenshotted his post and sent it to me. He said he wanted me to know what it really means to date an ‘Italian Stallion.’ I don’t know how he got my number,” said Carr as she taped a piece of paper over her peephole. “He always volunteers to help me with my biology homework, but he’s a sports management major and always says ‘pussy is a food group.’ I’ve told him no three times this week. He gets offended every time and tells me I should be more appreciative when someone offers them a favor.”

In an attempt to capitalize on the three upvotes he received on his chivalry yak, Belloni posted a Yak to let all the single ladies know he’s free on Valentine's Day and will treat them they way they deserve to be treated, unless they reject his advances, in which case fuck ‘em, they’re ugly anyway. After receiving only downvotes, he has realized that late 2000s YouTube sensation Niga Higa was right: nice guys really do finish last, and maybe that’s because society is supposed to stop rewarding you for being nice after age seven.