Wednesday marks another class of uncomfortable thirst observation for the students of Introduction to Fiction Writing as they were forced to endure another round of classmate Paula Hayes’ horrendous flirting with their professor. “It’s like watching Animal Planet, honestly,” explained Angela Lang as she tried not to think about a chimpanzee mating ritual she saw in 10th grade Biology. “She thinks we don’t notice but it’s gotten to the point where I need to make a conscious effort to not eat before class. Also, she laughs and touches his arm every time he hands a paper back to her. Remember when I said it’s like watching Animal Planet? That would actually only make sense if Animal Planet exclusively aired gruesome train accidents.”
In text messages to a few unlucky best friends, Hayes expressed her interest in pursuing an “off the books” relationship with her professor. “I’m a straight A student, but I wouldn’t mind taking the D in this class ;)” read one message. “Maybe I should stay after class and ask if he can help me get to the climax. Of my story of course ;)” read another. Upon further inspection, it became clear that this was not a group chat full of Hayes’ friends, but instead just a note in her phone that she made to keep track of the pick up lines she thought landed.
When asked about his take on the matter, Paula’s professor first asked for clarification on which one Paula was and then explained that he is a happily married man not here to waste time on 20-year-old girls who insist on ‘accidentally’ stapling their panties to their short story drafts.
“It’s only a matter of time,” remarked Paula while blasting “Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen on a loop right outside of her professor’s office. “There’s only so many times we can pretend that his ‘We need to schedule a conference, your test scores are honestly some of the worst I’ve ever seen’ and ‘If you fail another one of my classes, you’ll be kicked out of the major’ notes are actually because of my grades.”