It all started during my last semester at FSU as an English major. I had just left a lecture on how memes are the future when I passed the College of Business.
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She had plans to light 14 candles around her bath, pour herself a big girl glass of Franzia and read Rupi Kaur until she couldn’t remember her ex’s name.
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After a full month of uninterrupted exposure to rose bouquets and heart-shaped balloons at every corner, sophomore Dart Gilliam still somehow managed to forget the wondrous holiday invented to make even the most loveable people feel worthless.
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After years of admiring her friend’s meaningful Bible quote across her ribcage and the slightly less meaningful “DO NOT ENTER” inked across her buttcheeks, sophomore Madison Silverman decided to disappoint her parents for real this time and finally get the tattoo she has always wanted.
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Each morning as the sun rises, journalists eager to have their turn at doing God’s work type up articles condemning the atrocities being propagated by President Steve Ban- we mean, Donald Trump.
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No one expected Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch to strangle the life out of a man with his bare hands outside the Blue Man Group concert last week. No one, that is, except the cursed Bob Marley flag I bought freshman year at Market Wednesday.
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After wasting multiple semesters’ financial aid refunds on penis enlargement pills and hand-shrinking potions, local disappointment and all-around shitstain Joseph Foster finally has something that is truly “too big to fit.”
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As one student was rear-ended in the parking lot by some guy who thinks he’s Mario frickin’ Andretti, Publix shoppers on Tuesday simultaneously dropped their BOGO Bagel Thins out of horror at an even more disturbing scene inside.
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As Facebook, Instagram and Twitter flooded with ‘Obligatory First Day Photo :P’ posts on Monday, students all across campus were slow in returning to their regularly scheduled programming after a nice, relaxing Winter Break, not including that awkward encounter with your new step-dad.
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Tallahassee weather is notoriously fickle, but is always warmer than states like Connecticut or Canada, because of geography or whatever hoax the Chinese have cooked up this week.
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The week after Thanksgiving is always filled with leftover turkey sandwiches, tears from tasting real food after a semester of eating ass for three months straight and fear of upcoming final exams.
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College is one of the best opportunities for adolescents to discover and build their identity as budding young adults. Since enrolling in Intro to Philosophy, however, first year student Freddy Neetz has completely rejected this notion in favor of reaching what he considers “enlightenment through a disconnection of the self, duuuuuuude.”
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There’s nothing quite like the early morning walk to class. Whether or not the day will be enjoyable is all shaped by the walk; the weather, the degree and amount of uphill walking, and most importantly, what song will be blasting outside of the on-campus Denny’s. There isn’t anyone who knows or appreciates the importance of this more than Denny’s DJ, Jace Kason.
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A group of concerned and loyal friends gathered to confront their peer about a behavioral pattern that they deemed a sheer act of delusion and “totes a waste of time.”
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Every fall, first year students from all walks of life come to Florida State to experience quality higher education, tell anyone that will listen that they’re “a sophomore in credits” and handle the crippling self-doubt that comes with having to seriously plan out your life without the social supports they’ve had for the past 18 years.
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While most students admittedly sign up for the class thinking they’ll learn why Scorpios are so intimidating and Geminis are so fake, those with a hard-on for Neil deGrasse Tyson have a lot of suitable questions coming into FSU’s most popular astronomy course.
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After so many semesters of street harassment and “hey come to my noise band’s show tonight ;)”s, FSU senior Tanya Garcia decided she’d had enough. Exhausted from her years of mentally repelling the male gaze of the student body, Garcia was extremely frustrated.
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After seeing most of her friends find significant others in preparation for Tallahassee’s weird excuse for winter, sophomore Diana Sevilla has been searching from Westcott Fountain to Fresh Foods in hopes of finding a warm male to latch on to at least until spring and hopefully beyond.
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FSU sophomores Alanna Brown and Martin Smith have been dating for two years, in which time they have enjoyed quiet sex and rewatched Friends four times.
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After Freshman Gilbert Boyd released his usual 3 tons of water sitting inside of him all class long, he experienced something that no Total Frat Move article he read in high school could have prepared him for.
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