In an extremely sad but not at all shocking turn of events, Jimbo Fisher has resigned his position as head football coach and Maxxinista of FSU to accept a coaching position at Texas A&M University.
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Surprise! Suwannee is closing its doors at the end of the semester for renovations to keep up with Sodexo’s strange and quirky “FSUnique” trend of off-brand restaurants that only exist to make your taste buds sad and unfulfilled.
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Thanksgiving is over and the holiday shopping season just plopped its big juicy ass right in our laps.
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Thrasher’s decision to suspend all Greek life with the exception of the completely ethical and definitely not a scam lettered honor societies has resulted in all RSO-related functions becoming alcohol free.
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After securing the first woman to headline FSU’s Warchant, the Homecoming committee has announced that Solange Knowles has canceled her upcoming appearance, which is only good news for that guy you blocked on Facebook for sharing unsubstantiated articles about Tr*mp’s distant familial connections to Napoleon Bonaparte.
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Following a fall student election in which the only political party on campus filled just half of available student Senate seats, the megaminds behind the Advance Party, burning with passion, decided that all FSU needed to inspire student involvement was a new name and logo.
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Greek Life is an integral part of the FSU community, along with painting brown face on a student at the start of every home game and protecting the statue of a slave owner.
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With less than one month until Warchant, the anticipation surrounding the announcement of a headlining act has come to a boiling point.
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For one oddly specific period of time each Wednesday, students are able to waste their time between classes browsing random items from local vendors.
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Following the completely batshit turnout for Once Upon A Drag at Club Downunder, which included a line that passed free condoms to patrons all the way from the union to Railroad Square, Pride has cut ties with the club in search of a bigger venue to refrain from obstructing traffic.
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As Florida State students are struggling to find an excuse other than being “too busy cheering our football team to victory” to focus on grades this semester, the administration has been busy finding ways to worsen the already terrible parking situation.
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It’s about that time, folks! Thanks to all the oblivious ding-dongs that actually fall for those fake account expiration emails, FSU’s newly implemented mandatory password reset has plagued our student accounts once again.
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It’s college ranking season again, which means it’s time to fulfill the annual tradition of wondering why your university falls six places below the Colorado School of Mines.
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Anthropology professor Jeff Kimbrel is a simple man. After he wakes up in the morning, he fills up his Coffee Makes Me Poop! travel mug with light roast coffee, squeezes his two-person Smart Car in between the Napleton Infiniti cars that are still at the Saint Augustine Garage and prints of all of his material for the day -- double-sided.
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“OK Googie, show me the memey,” are the words Mimi Jacobs spoke that sparked the tragedy on campus this week as twenty were sent to Tallahassee Memorial Hospital with internal bleeding and shart in their pants on Tuesday after Mimi surprised her peers with a very funny meme on slide 9 of her Prezi.
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With the arrival of Fall semester, students are beginning to settle in and faculty are becoming more comfortable in their classrooms.
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Greetings everyone at Florida State University except for Eppes statue supporters!
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Following the suspension of FSU’s Zeta Beta Tau fraternity due to “forced consumption of food, alcohol, and drugs” and “physical violence” against their own members, many brothers have continued repping their cursed letters, despite their poor Greek organization serving as a lightning rod for criticism and corruption.
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It’s funny how we do this; try to wrap up an extraordinary experience with some words about how much it meant, how it changed us, how we do not know what we would have done without it. It is performative. It is overdone. It is self-indulgent. I’m doing it anyway.
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With spring semester ending and the new school year fast approaching, prospective students from all over Florida and a few confused out-of-staters are flocking to tour FSU’s beautiful campus soon to be littered with Fireball bottle shards from Doak After Dark.
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