With less than one month until Warchant, the anticipation surrounding the announcement of a headlining act has come to a boiling point. Among a wide array of C-list pop stars with singular radio hits and irrelevant country singers that only three people on campus know about, everyone is wondering how Chance the Rapper’s stadium-packing performance that turned everyone Christian for 3 hours will be topped. When asked about the pending announcement, this year’s Executive Board claimed that the string of vague and cryptic tweets they’ve posted would inevitably lead to someone worth the extra three months of curiosity. Tired of waiting around, impatient members of the student body hired Mystery Inc. to crack this case wide open.
“It’s about time these kids know whether or not they’re getting someone who was born in the middle of a cornfield and only sings about ex-lovers they still haven’t gotten over,” said Velma of Mystery Inc. as she wiped off her glasses with her turtleneck after having drinks from Yianni’s thrown on her by a drunk freshman. “According to my calculations, someone as talented and famous as Carly Rae Jepsen is out of the question. This late in the game, our best bet is deducing which irrelevant country singer has been booked to draw a crowd of fewer than 300 people to a concert in the middle of the week.”
After splitting up to search for clues in the most obscure places on campus, the amateur investigators and their talking dog were led to the front doors of the Homecoming Office. “That’s right, I know who’s performing,” murmured Homecoming committee member Shayna Wren as she reached into her desk to pull out a solid gold name plate that had ‘Executive Director of Keeping Secrets’ engraved on it. “See, every year we switch between having a good performer for either Pow Wow or Warchant. There’s never any in between. Since we have Hannibal Buress and Hasan Minhaj for Pow Wow, the only semi-decent act we could afford was Jebediah Warthog and His Two Second Cousins. We would’ve waited until the day of Warchant but now we have to announce him tomorrow because of you meddling kids!”
With the student body collectively disappointed in the Warchant announcement, Mystery Inc packed their bags and worked to solve their next case: figuring out which frat house Shaggy was shacked up in all week getting high. Lost without his human sidekick, Scooby Doo took refuge on Landis Green to attract attention from passing students that don’t mind being late for class if it means petting literally any type of animal with the exception of the obscenely muscular FSU squirrels.