As Florida State students are struggling to find an excuse other than being “too busy cheering our football team to victory” to focus on grades this semester, the administration has been busy finding ways to worsen the already terrible parking situation. Despite an increase in freshman enrollment for yet another year, FSU officials have laid out the timeline for the conversion of Woodward garage into a second Champions Club for the benefit of the True Seminoles: boosters and alumni who want to enjoy the exclusivities of a club without being forced to watch the Seminole football team literally get strummed like guitars by our opponents in person.
“The empty, cushioned seats outside of the Champions Club during the Miami game contrasted nicely with the sardine-packed student section, so the only logical next step is to take away their parking too,” said Alumni Center employee Chelsea Dorner, whose favorite sex position is “punching-down.” “I honestly don’t get why we’re building a Champions Club that doesn’t even plan on streaming the games as they happen. But if it means we can charge old white dudes wearing ugly garnet and gold shorts $12 for a craft beer while simultaneously encouraging the overloading of our already-overloaded bus system, I’m all for it!”
Predictably, students were outraged by the decision. “Woodward was my go-to garage! Now where will I go to waste twenty minutes while waiting for students to wait for other students to back out of spots?” whined snowflake and student-who-probably-opposes-Nazis-speaking-on-campus Darren Jones. “Since day one this administration has been profiting off of my misery. The next thing you know, they’ll open a new parking garage strictly for segways and those stupid hoverboards, and it’s way more legally dubious to tailgate those.”
“Truthfully, I think the Champions Club members probably got tipped off about the outcome, and that’s why the section was so empty,” continued Dorner, as she siphoned off Bright Futures money to go towards the electric bill for the Jimbotron, Office Space-style. “Whether the higher-ups have actively rigged games and told the Boosters which ones to not bother attending or if they just looked at our coaching lineup and saw that Charles Kelly was still our defensive coordinator, I’m not sure. All that matters is that we make sure to continue spending money on amenities for our Boosters, rather than on more student parking or even pylon cameras that pick up every angle to make sure game-winning touchdowns are actually game-winning touchdowns.”