Welcome Back Students! A Totally Real Message From President John Thrasher


Greetings everyone at Florida State University except for Eppes statue supporters! Besides the boy from upstairs who already hit on you in front of your parents, I am happy to be the first to welcome all new and returning students to FSU. With another academic year in full swing, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on my own personal development during these past months because I've finally taken up bug collecting and I’m doing really well, thanks for asking. I’m also here to offer a bit of advice for any incoming students who can’t tell their own lanyard from their roommate’s! Ha! Anyways, let’s get started.

First thing’s first. Have any of y’all heard of this show “Rick and Morty?” It’s so good. This drunk guy takes his grandson on these wild adventures through time and space. It’s SUPER formative and is definitely changing the scope of animated television series for good, imo. I don’t know how much some of you’d understand it because it’s just like, such smart humor and like philosophically advanced, so keep that in mind if you decide to watch. But otherwise, everyone should check it out. It’s VERY funny.

Second of all, I think I left my favorite pair of swim trunks at the pool in the Leach during my water aerobics class. They’re blue with little red lobsters all over them, so please keep an eye out for them. When I called the front desk they thought it was a prank call, so I haven’t had any luck finding them yet. But if you see anything please let me know immediately. I need to get in one last swim before my wife covers the pool for Autumn. She hates it when the leaves fall in there!

Lastly, I’d like to give a few tips for all the noobs attending Florida State for the first time! Keep in mind that the disobedience of ANY of the following rules would be grounds for immediate expulsion and a lifetime ban from FSU.

  1. Stop taking condoms from the Health and Wellness Center when you don’t actually fuck! It’s like we get it! You’ve never seen a condom before, Trey! Get a grip!

  2. Please do not take photos with the Dirac statue on your way home from the strip. Every time someone posts one of those pictures on Instagram the ghost of Paul Dirac comes to my house and tickles my feet while I’m sleeping. It’s nauseating.

  3. If I get one more call in the middle of the night about someone throwing up in Westcott, I’m having it removed. And that’s not a threat, it’s a PROMISE. DO NOT PUSH ME!!!

  4. Stop asking me where the Anthropology department is being relocated. As far as I know, it’ll be in the dressing rooms of the new Target.

With all that being said, I have high hopes for all of your success and well-being during the Fall semester and wish you the best of luck with your academic and professional endeavors. Remember to uphold the Garnet and Gold!

Have fun, be safe and, as always, GO NOLES!

President John Thrasher

The Eggplant FSU