Thanksgiving is over and the holiday shopping season just plopped its big juicy ass right in our laps. With the rise of online shopping’s popularity, the yuletide stampedes of Black Friday are shrinking and Jeff Bezos’s head becomes shinier every day. The most recent marketplace to join the Cyber Monday sales craze is FSU’s own Student Business Services, which is offering an absolutely sanguine deal on tuition for one day only: a blood sacrifice of another human being or beloved pet.
Students may redeem the offer at any time between 1:00 AM EST Monday and 12:00 AM EST Tuesday. If you’re redeeming a pet, there must be at least four people who will cry if it dies or it must be a large pet like a mastiff or gorilla. Blood shall be poured into a funnel connected to the USB port on your computer. If paying with human blood, any one person will do. We recommend using whoever decided to kill Vine, a passive aggressive coworker or a particularly terfy cousin. Using the blood of a good person will benefit no one, as the university board’s bloodthirst is cold and undiscerning.
“Well, uh, the nice thing about this program is there won’t be any server overloads!” said IT Director Amanda Jackson, sweating and splattered with blood. “The beta test for the infrastructure was v-v-very successful. Collection tanks have stopped leaking and the Board hasn’t stopped groaning for more blood all week, so everyone who wants to utilize the promotion when it rolls out tomorrow should be able to.” Jackson flashed an uncertain smile before tripping over a large clear blood tube and returning to work on the big, metal machine that will dispose of the bodies of the sacrificed.
Tricky students who attempt to fool the Board by pouring meager blood substitutes like juice or urine into their computer will receive no tuition credit, as well as one week of exile in the Cube of Penance. No one who has entered the Cube of Penance has ever returned with all of their sanity. No one wins or saves money in the Cube. Please stay safe this holiday shopping season and don’t do anything foolish.