Florida State Loses Seat at Solange’s Table

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After securing the first woman to headline FSU’s Warchant, the Homecoming committee has announced that Solange Knowles has canceled her upcoming appearance, which is only good news for that guy you blocked on Facebook for sharing unsubstantiated articles about Tr*mp’s distant familial connections to Napoleon Bonaparte. Seeing as how everyone wears flip flops in the cold weather, can’t drive to save their lives and has no fear of a powerful category four hurricane, we can’t really blame her for the cancellation. Solange considered performing despite the medical condition that required her to cancel, but learning that chicken tender Pub Subs are regular price this week was the last straw.                                                     

“Honestly, Florida smells like day old lizard pee, elderly people eager to die and virgin piña coladas,” local hipster Taylor Greenwich commented while steaming the single sock that she bought off of Craigslist that was reportedly once breathed on by Solange. “Solange is a powerful woman, artist and visionary and although I’m heartbroken that I won’t have the opportunity to have her sweat drip on my face and cure my acne during the performance, I could never subject my queen to the plague that is Florida culture.”

“I wasn’t planning on going to Warchant but I’m glad she cancelled. I would’ve preferred someone a little more patriotic -- like Big & Rich or my favorite monster truck Grave Digger,” explained Beau Larkin while tongue wrestling with the exhaust pipe of his Jeep. “Solange is just way too powerful and self-thinking for me. I prefer my performers to have absolutely no metaphors or deeper meanings hidden in their music. It takes away from my experience since I can only process so much, you know?”

Students will be receiving a full refund of the ticket price of $26, and many plan to use that money towards the three parking tickets that they already had pending on their Blackboard accounts. In order to make up for the loss of contemporary R&B blessing everyone’s ears, the Homecoming Executive Board has offered to scream the entire length of the concert out of desperation now that it is too last minute to book another artist.

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