Surprise! Suwannee is closing its doors at the end of the semester for renovations to keep up with Sodexo’s strange and quirky “FSUnique” trend of off-brand restaurants that only exist to make your taste buds sad and unfulfilled. But instead of reducing the cost of the meal plan you don’t use, Seminole Dining has decided to leave a parting gift to remind everyone how low the bar for meals has been set. For a limited time only, you can now rediscover the disgusting foods your vodka-loving aunt microwaved before coming to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner at every unsanitary station inside the dining hall.
“Today’s menu features garlic bread stuffing, so-called ‘turkey’ and a giant cherry-flavored gelatin monster that jiggles angrily as you walk away from it. The only decent thing here is a half-baked apple pie with a frowny face carved into it,” complained freshman Nina Barlos as she frantically Googled local Tallahassee lawyers and potential symptoms of food poisoning to see if a pending lawsuit would cover next semester’s overpriced meal plan. “It’s kind of hard to eat anything when their ‘gravy’ is literally layers of grease collected from other foods, but I still go for breakfast, lunch and dinner because I have 100 meal swipes to use before the semester ends. Sometimes I just go in to steal Powerade from the fountain.”
“Our food is of the highest and most festive quality. Over the weekend, we painstakingly collected leftovers from dumpsters and trash cans around Tallahassee; we’re trying to stay local this year. Even our ice is locally crushed,” said Guy Smith, chief dumpster diver and personal chef to a suburban woman who once saw the Oprah show live. “Everyone should be thankful for the opportunity to swipe in and be laughed at for asking why our potatoes are only slightly mashed,” Smith added while changing the expiration date on a package of cornbread to “probably next week.”
The golden standard set from Suwannee’s usual stale bagels and murky brown water that barely passes as coffee should certainly be expected with these Thanksgiving leftovers. Seminole Dining urges meal plan victims to check out the dining hall and experience buyer’s remorse once before a health inspector can flag them down for their crimes against thousands of upset stomachs.