In an extremely sad but not at all shocking turn of events, Jimbo Fisher has resigned his position as head football coach and Maxxinista of FSU to accept a coaching position at Texas A&M University. Although many dirty, scummy traito- I mean, loyal football fans, are overjoyed at the news after an overall unimpressive football season, others who have even the tiniest bit of compassion in their hearts felt a pain in their chest after news broke this afternoon. But as Jimbo packs up his mega-office located in the penthouse suite of UCD, whispers of who will receive custody of the twin Jimbotrons that were installed in Doak Campbell over the past few years are flooding Florida State’s campus.
“I know I ain’t perfect. Hell, who is?” stated Jimbo, who was leaning ominously against an old Ford with a cigar in his mouth. “This season was rough, and I know that’s on me. But I’ll be damned if I spent seven years coaching a bunch of turtle murderers and being called ‘Daddy Football’ online to leave here without some sort of compensation. Those Jimbotrons are named after me. I watched them go up, and I’ll watch them come down to be hauled across state lines with their rightful owner. Those jackasses in Athletics won’t get off that easy. Tell ‘em I’ll see ‘em in court.”
While the screens aren’t officially named the ‘Jimbotrons,’ any dispute regarding who deserves to keep them will be settled in a nasty custody battle judged by Renegade, who will have a gavel surgically attached to his head like a unicorn horn. Lawyers representing both Florida State and Jimbo will serve court orders to the opposing parties via Blackboard announcement, and all proceedings will take place at The Community Table to accommodate the expected turnout and remind FSU of the only other time they took away something we truly care about.
“We sent every last penny from the Alumni and Booster funds to build those screens. I had to smash open my great-great-grandfather’s piggy bank from 1865 to gather the last 13 cents we needed. Fat chance Jimbo is walking away with MY jumbotrons,” stated Athletics administrator Chip “Jonathan” Doon, who was drinking Andre champagne straight from the bottle despite the jagged edges from decorking it with a katana. “Our stadium FINALLY looks like a ridiculous castle drawn up by a fourth grader with an unreasonable imagination. Those Jumbotrons belong to FSU, and over my dead body will Fisher take them from me.” Doon then exclaimed, “BABABOOOOEYYYYYY!” before destroying a glass trophy case in celebration and immediately passing out.