It’s college ranking season again, which means it’s time to fulfill the annual tradition of wondering why your university falls six places below the Colorado School of Mines. Also, what is the Colorado School of Mines? Does anyone ever go down to check on them? Regardless, you probably should have gone there.
After weeks of enduring those poorly calculated and overhyped listicles that rank Florida State anywhere from 30th to 230th among U.S. universities, the latest recipe for student ego inflation can be found right here at The Eggplant FSU. After evaluating thousands of contributing factors in deciding what makes a university hot or not, we generated an objective, highly advanced formula for determining true excellence. Check out the highlights below, because the full list had way too many numbers.
1. Florida State University
Boasting a wealth of technically swimmable fountains and one whole full-time Jimbo, FSU tops our list as the greatest “what what” college we could engineer a formula for. Go ‘Noles, baby!
12. The University of Nebraska-Lincoln
In addition to its famous ability to competitively husk corn, UNL sits just a short walk from a capitol building that looks just like a Minecraft dick.
16. Louisiana State University
Not only does LSU have a live tiger that’s probably trained to hunt snapping turtles, it once had a Jimbo. Also Shaq went there, which is sick.
69. Harvard University
With a 1:1 ratio of bricks to annual snowfall and a surprising number of legacy students named after their oil baron grandpappy Jimbo, Harvard earned its spot as the sex number on our list, despite every single student there being a total virgin.
73. The University of Phoenix inside a Denny’s
Better known as “that place my cousin went after he was charged but before he was convicted,” this place brings a strong fountain game, although it’s usually out of Diet Dr. Pepper.
86. South Harmon Institute of Technology
Landing in a decent spot for being a fake school from a movie, the SHIT Sandwiches cheated our formula by having an actual swimming pool in the middle of campus and earned bonus points for their president being Justin Long when he was really cute in 2006.
864. The University of Florida
With a reptilian mascot to match its unfeeling student body, Florida loses points for being in a county named after a sneeze and for having 62 pending felony complaints against its football team. That’s admittedly not part of our formula, but it seems pretty important. Shmuniversity of Shmorida is also terrible because Gainesville is a big, smelly tribute to human ineptitude and, more importantly, because I don’t go there.
Unranked. North Carolina State University
Targeting penalty my ass.