Following the completely batshit turnout for Once Upon A Drag at Club Downunder, which included a line that passed free condoms to patrons all the way from the union to Railroad Square, Pride has cut ties with the club in search of a bigger venue to refrain from obstructing traffic. However, this begs the question: Where in the name of Katya Zamolodchikova can you fit roughly a thousand rowdy queens and kings? While the kitsch consignment shops of Gaines Street have refused the offer to host the event due to shop sizes not being apt for glorious wigs and lighting being barely passable, the local savior of the gays has stepped forward to become Tallahassee’s own Macklemore—Mr. Charles Entertainment Cheese.
What makes the arcade mansion of a terrifying mechanical rat furry the ideal spot for a bunch of moderately buzzed and sickening drag fans? Tender Lovencare, a local drag performer and 15th contestant choice for RuPaul’s Drag Race season six, boasted a concise reason for the venue choice. “There’s no better place for us all to get together. A flashy stage and tacky animatronics that make any flubbed lip synch look divine are the perfect formula for a successful night of making cisgender heterosexual men laugh uncomfortably. Plus, those robots don’t steal our tips.”
Local drag fans seem to think this might be the start of something new within the community— the reclaiming of out of style children’s arcades to make up for the apparent disparity of gay clubs in Tallahassee. “If Ybor can do this shit, we can do it better,” added Lovencare’s fellow performer Charlamaine Miracle, before making some vague sashay into a cloud of setting powder and glitter that nobody could find the source of. According to Lovencare, “When the dust settled, all that was left of the queen was a pile of Chuck E. Cheese tokens that seemed to have been minted in the early 1900s. Asking for answers gets you nothing but the sound of a mechanical ‘Happy Birthday’ in the distance.”
Club Downunder, feeling the burn with such a large attraction no longer in their poorly lit hands, is looking to amp up their competitive edge. Rumors of mediocre pizza buffet installments, finally fixing the arcade cabinet in the mezzanine and even using black magic to animate the soldier figurines in the windows of the venue to make their own monstrosity of an animatronic band have been making their way through the vents of the green rooms. The cost of hiring an adept wizard of the dark arts is expected to be met with the money made at the next drag show made to compete with “Chuck E. Cheese’s Ex-Drag-Vaganza.”