Now That’s What I Call Brotherhood! Fraternity Members Continue Bearing Letters in Wake of Abusing Each Other
Following the suspension of FSU’s Zeta Beta Tau fraternity due to “forced consumption of food, alcohol, and drugs” and “physical violence” against their own members, many brothers have continued repping their cursed letters, despite their poor Greek organization serving as a lightning rod for criticism and corruption. This show of solidarity is understandable, as their only offense was covering cameras in the house before brutally hazing their own members, like those prison scenes you see in movies when someone gets shanked with a sharpened spoon, except these groups of kids aren’t like gangs, they’re different, they’re gonna grow up and change. And they at least admitted to it, so that counts for something, right?
The effects of the fraternity’s brazen response to the “dismissal” (in bullshit PC terms) has already impacted FSU’s most vulnerable demographic: Ralph Lauren customers. “Boy, it sure is good to know that despite physically abusing my friends and coercing them into abusing alcohol and drugs, I’ll still have a strong support system of my peers who will always cover my Chubby-rocking ass,” said summer C freshman Hayden Weathers. “I’m still learning the ropes of the real world after graduating high school forty minutes before my parents dropped me off here, but I’m glad I can look up to other college students who proudly support their classmates, no matter how heinously they act. I’ll have to find one of them and give them one of those ‘Uphold the Garnet and Gold’ coins!”
Thankfully, most ZBT members aren’t too traumatized by their forced disbanding. “In the wake of this terrible tragedy that’s unfairly befallen my WASP family away from my WASP family, I’ve adopted the motto #WeStillOutHere as we recover from the news of our six-year suspension, as well as the physical injuries and liver cirrhosis we’ve non-consensually inflicted on each other,” said ZBT president Marc Perry, wincing as he nursed a fractured tibia and a bruised ego. “That’s why I’m encouraging our members to proudly sport their letters and shit-eating grins to let everyone in the FSU community know that you too are not alone in your desire to support your abusive friends. This is probably longer than any prison sentence most of us are likely to ever receive in the U.S., so we’re gonna support the SHIT out of our bros. More like Zero Blame Tonight!”
“Besides, I’m sure this was just a few bad apples. That doesn’t mean the whole bunch was spoiled,” continued Perry, unprompted. “The best way to eradicate this behavior from Greek life is to let other people handle it. And look, arrest warrants have been issued for seven members already! Anyways, I’m sure our continued support of our ‘bad apple’ brothers won’t result in a moral death spiral as we ignore systemic problems and wait for outside entities to instill accountability. If the problem was addressed at its root, they’d have to chop down the whole apple tree and we would have to do something wild like NOT show support for our community after getting caught doing immoral, illegal and, worst of all, un-gentlemanlike acts. Unlike the handle of Svedka we each have to chug during initiation, that’s something I just couldn’t stomach.”