Following a fall student election in which the only political party on campus filled just half of available student Senate seats, the megaminds behind the Advance Party, burning with passion, decided that all FSU needed to inspire student involvement was a new name and logo. Thus the Unite Party was born, a brand new political faction with brand new ideas in the same old ill-fitting suits. What’s expected to follow is an unprecedented improvement in civic engagement by the FSU student population.
“Yesterday’s Senate was just a bunch of wannabe politicians nervously checking their Rolex knockoffs to see if they could make it to their fraternity’s chapter on time,” said sophomore Tracy James, who is considering a run for one of the 22 vacant Senate seats after scoring a B+ on her public administration midterm. “This year we have the same people behind the scenes, which I think really helps reiterate Unite’s platform that we’re all in this together. I’m excited to see what happens when these humble student Senators overlap the incredibly representative two different social circles they’re all a part of, like a Venn diagram of self-righteousness.”
Former Advance members and current Unite members alike are excited about the prospects of a new political party on campus. “Even though it looks like we’re still gonna be trapped in the same one-party system that discourages voting, I’m confident that this rebranding will encourage more people to come out and vote, seeing as 16 of the 17 seats up for election a few weeks ago were uncontested. That’s a pretty low bar I’m personally stoked to stumble over!” said Chester Braderson, wincing as he got his Advance tattoo on his upper back covered up with the Unite logo. “I’m also stoked to stock up on the inevitable horde of Unite Party shirts for a dollar once they get donated to our local thrift stores. They’ll be a nice addition to my collection of vintage Ignite, Vitality and Advance shirts.”
The excitement has even spilled over into the greater Tallahassee community. “I’m very thrilled to see this new, young, fresh blood in Senate. I guess you could say that I feel… re-Ignited,” said a man milling around the Union wearing an oversized garnet cloak, who said that he could tell us his name, but then he’d have to kill us. “Say, does anyone know where there’s a good alterations shop around here? The strings attached to my marionette puppet are wearing thin.”