RSOs Host Underground Speakeasies in Wake of Alcohol Ban

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Thrasher’s decision to suspend all Greek life with the exception of the completely ethical and definitely not a scam lettered honor societies has resulted in all RSO-related functions becoming alcohol free. From organizations entirely populated by freshmen that only sip Capri Suns and munch on pretzel sticks to those comprised of graduate students whose events revolve around open bar mixers, the effects of the alcohol band are widespread. In response to this sobering situation, the student body has taken inspiration from Greek organizations that take inspiration from the era of covert alcoholism and classism by drinking illegally whenever the opportunity arises.

“I get that Thrasher wants to make a statement, but alcohol is part of the culture here. It’s not fair that I have to pay an additional $120 in dues in ‘alcohol fees’ to sneak around campus in a flapper costume just to get a watered down vodka Sprite,” complained nineteen year old Daisy Carraway as she showed her faded FSUID to a bouncer suspiciously posted outside Room 311E in the Oglesby Union. “I just want to drink a Four Loko out of a wine glass at our our club’s semi-formal; now I can only drink virgin mimosas while thinking of ways to drink a regular one in those underground tunnels they warned us about at orientation. It’s literally just orange juice.”

“We’ve been getting tons of angry calls from alumni who think they’re important because they graduated with honors in shotgunning cheap beer. Our policy still stands. If one of us is suspended, then we’re all suspended,” said Thrasher’s assistant Robert Rockwell while polishing his refined collection of rainbow Absolut vodka bottles on his office desk. “Nobody’s above the law and if someone’s drinking illegally, we’ll know. The only places to get wasted on campus right now should be Club Downunder and that god-awful Chili’s replacement that smells like disappointment and lost dreams.”

While the university is busy begging their donors not to pull their funding so they can install a third jumbotron smack dab in the middle of the football field, students have been making their own brand of liquor called FSBooze to sell at events. Rumor has it that these secret events are exclusively for members of RSOs that can find the password “bed bugs own this ass” scrawled under the second toilet in the first floor bathroom of Williams. Access to these speakeasies requires the possession of appropriately lengthened cigarettes, champagne cocktail recipes and an uncanny impression of Humphrey Bogart.