NOT FAKE: Thrasher Bans Greek Life Indefinitely

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Greek Life is an integral part of the FSU community, along with painting brown face on a student at the start of every home game and protecting the statue of a slave owner. Despite it all, FSU President John Thrasher made an announcement earlier this afternoon that all FSU Greek Life is banned indefinitely. The ban follows numerous accusations and charges against Greek organizations on campus, including the arrest of a fraternity member charged with selling and trafficking cocaine. According to FSUPD, the agency carries out regular undercover operations with the intention of dismantling such conspiracies— a fact which will now haunt you the next time you’re smoking weed alone in your apartment.

“I know that both Greek and non-Greek members were united in the one belief that I was going to sweep the recent events under the rug and let Greek Life continue unchecked, but rest assured that that will not be the case,” said Thrasher on Monday, as he adjusted his collar to cover the stress rash on his neck. “I spent hours calculating what would be worse for the university: another major scandal or actually disciplining organizations of which many major donors are alumni. After consulting with my magic 8-ball, I decided it was finally time to attempt to do the right thing, at least for the remainder of this semester.”

“As a white cishet male, I’ve literally never been held accountable for anything in my life, so when I heard that J. Edgar Hoover came back from the dead to raid my apartment in Heritage, I did not have the immediate fight or flight response that would have been considered normal for the situation,” said Brett Christopher, a member of the Beta Chi fraternity Googling what level court he will be tried in for the dime bag in his underwear drawer. “But while I was sitting in the last row of Gen Chem, I read the words 3rd degree felony and promptly soiled my boxer briefs.”

The incident has shaken many IFC members, which was made obvious by the hoard of expensive cars and scooters seen fleeing from Heritage like fruit flies when you open your trash can after throwing away a banana peel. However, as Thrasher reminded us in his press conference earlier today, there are three other Greek councils and also over 700 registered student organizations outside of Greek Life on campus that will also be affected by the ban, despite never having been repeatedly suspended for hazing allegations. Thrasher gave no timeframe, asserting that the ban would end when there was a “new normal” in Greek Life at Florida State University, which will presumably be after members face the legislative consequences that they were confident would never apply to them.

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