For one oddly specific period of time each Wednesday, students are able to waste their time between classes browsing random items from local vendors. From Psockology’s vast display of weed leaf socks that prove you’ve smoked out of an apple at least once to racist tapestries for your overpriced College Town apartment, Market Wednesday has something for everyone. Now for a limited time, students are able to visit a decrepit booth usually only found on a pixelated DS screen: Crazy Redd’s Black Market. The catch is, students can only browse this suspicious fox’s knock-off wares by asking nearby FSU villagers for the password.
“Only after hearing a robotic ‘I love you, baby’ from Mrs. Killings will one obtain the password they desire,” snickered Redd the Fox, shooing away freshmen scanning his collection of furniture that may or may not have been taken from last semester’s Chuck-it For Charity bins. After fifty incorrect tries, Redd finally revealed a second clue, “if it is the passcode you seek, one must make their way to legacy walk and make prolonged, awkward eye-contact with one of the pro-life speakers. They’ll only receive the coveted code after learning what layer of hell they’re going to.”
After finally clearing Redd’s absurd checkpoints, retail management major Maya Taylor had plenty of warnings for future shoppers. “I never use Yelp but I had to make an account just for this,” the angry sophomore reported to her eighteen followers via Instagram Live. “I found a vibrating marble statue of the Student Body President that really spoke to me. That fucking fox told me it was $215.55 per credit hour! I finally haggled him into accepting my Bright Futures, but he charged me a ‘patience fee’ that made it regular priced again. To top it all off, he only took FlexBucks, Bells and buffalo nickels.”
“Unlike my rival Tom Nook who owns part of the school’s Bookstore and forces you into a life of servitude by renting textbooks, my store is privately owned and family-friendly,” Redd typed out in a passive-aggressive PictoChat message after being slandered by four of Taylor’s eighteen followers. “My wares are as rare as they come! You can even use PocketPoints here -- for an upcharge, of course,” he proudly declared as he counted the final number of tuition waivers and different forms of FSU currency acquired over the course of the day.