FSU Increases Condom Budget, Leading to Major Budget Cuts Elsewhere

This fall, free condoms have been flying out of the condom dispensers at record high rates here at Florida State University. The budget for supplying FSU’s horny student body with protection has been $5,000 for the past ten years. This year, in the name of wrapping it up, the budget has increased to $1M. This has led to major detrimental budget cuts in other departments such as the College of Medicine, the College of Law, and more. Administration actually just got rid of the anthropology department entirely because what the fuck even is that. 

“It is way more important to us that students have protected sex than it is for the college of law to keep making rules. We literally have so many laws already!” stated FSU’s director of finance. As for the College of Medicine, there was a unanimous vote held by the financial board (all of which are native to Florida) to entirely cut funding for all vaccine research because “vaccines are actually fake and stupid and sex is cooler”. These changes reflect FSU’s transition towards being more woke and progressive. 

Some exciting changes are being made with the new condom budget. There will be themed condoms available: for the holidays, “Wrap it up with a bow” as well as “jondoms” (jean condoms) just for fun. There have unfortunately been some major problems with the budget cuts so far. A  health center employee stated, “We still don’t even know if the new budget is going to cover our students’ needs. This is the most turned-on batch of students we have ever seen.”