Father Stranded at Union Following ‘Parents Weekend’ Abandonment

TALLAHASSEE, FL- It’s been a month since FSU’s iconic Parents’ Weekend, where our student body welcomes their parents to try and recapture the sparkle of youth by living vicariously through their children. One unsuspecting FSU father and alumnus by the name of Marty Samson had his life turned upside-down by his Parents’ Weekend experience. 

“Well, I’ve been stuck in this here Union for about a month now, it gets lonely at night and I’ve tried every protein and side combo possible at Panda Express, but I make do.” Samson was left abandoned by his family following his visit to Tallahassee, and he’s wandered the Student Union aimlessly since. “They just left me here. My wife and youngest went back to Kissimmee, my son said, pledging takes up too much time for him to come visit me, so I’ve just enjoyed my time in the Union.” Samson’s daily routine largely involves moving to different locations in the Union in order to look longingly out the window. 

The Eggplant was able to reach Samson’s wife, Linda, for comment, “We talked about it before parents’ weekend and decided it was just best to cut him loose. He loves Florida State, he really does.” Linda lamented her husband’s view of FSU, “We felt he truly believed getting drunk and being in an academic fraternity was his crowning achievement, and not his family. He’d shout at the TV with a blood-curdling rage at Football, basketball, and even soccer games.”

 Marty has now joined a growing community of parents who peaked in their college days, where the only joy they find comes from trying to make their children also attend FSU. More and more parents arrive lost in the Student Union every day, walking mopily around between Panda, Panera, and Pollo. “It’s like the issue they were having in the Everglades and pythons, but with parents! If families don’t want them anymore, they just leave them here,” said one student. The Eggplant recommends avoiding interaction with these abandoned parents, as they may attempt to lure you into a monotonous “Well, when I went to FSU” conversation.