According to hip and fun newscasters on every station, people everywhere are expected to stay inside and keep an Adam Driver’s length between each other as COVID-19 makes its way throughout the world.
Read More
Monarch butterflies only live for about two to three weeks in their lifetime. That’s not much time to experience all the ups and downs this universe has to offer, and more people would recognize the plight of the butterfly if it weren’t for those goddamn attention-seeking honey bees.
Read More
As the third Impeachment trial in U.S. history comes to its somber end, noted piece-of-garbage Mitch McConnell hammered the final nail into America’s coffin by essentially rigging the Senate trial by refusing to hear from witnesses—you know, that thing trials are known for.
Read More
Although the long MLK weekend was a welcome sight for college students already burnt out from Syllabus week, the arrival of late January also meant it was time to ghost any New Year’s resolutions faster than whatever frat guy you accidentally swiped right on.
Read More
We’re fresh out the gate of a brand-spankin’ new decade and there are already threats of war, heinous Academy Awards nominations and being enticed by the drive-thru signs lit up like the Christmas tree your roommates insist can be décor for any season.
Read More
You know ‘em! You love ‘em! It’s officially time for the Coca-Cola polar bears!
Read More
It’s November, which means midterms are over and final projects are just beginning!
Read More
Everyone’s favorite holiday that's not really a holiday is finally here! While the college kids of Tallahassee complete the finishing touches to their sexy take on wildlife, the suburban kids are getting their shit together to gear up for the most competitive and vicious night of the year.
Read More
For those not living under a rock - or more appropriately in a doomsday bunker - it may seem like the end of humanity is knock knock knockin’ on Earth’s door.
Read More
Snapchat memories were first introduced as a way to cherish old memories that technology has programmed people to believe that they could never remember.
Read More
The air is getting cooler, the leaves are beginning to fall and your mom won’t stop pestering you to get your damn flu shot - that’s right folks, Christian girl autumn is in full swing. While the month of October is known to bring about the first whispers of cuffing season, keep in mind that there are plenty of other concoctions the universe has been conjuring up. Hold onto your tighty whities, because October is about to be a month full of twists, turns and jump-scares galore.
Read More
Cool kids and douchebag adults alike have been sucking up the sweet pods of nicotine juice for years now.
Read More
It’s not just you - we all thought we were done with the women’s rights and human decency catastrophe that is Brett Kavanaugh.
Read More
Most would agree that the music industry today is nothing like it was back in the day, just like everyone’s older cousin puts it after referencing their college anthem, “Like A G6” by the Far East Movement.
Read More
There are seemingly endless options of the infamous White Claw drink: Black Cherry, Grapefruit and Raspberry, to name a few.
Read More
With the new school year officially in full swing, one can only hope that the universe is on their side. As tests, papers, and projects begin to loom in the distance, FSU students can rest easy knowing that the experienced and reliable astrological defense force here at The Eggplant FSU is here to provide the utmost cosmic guidance for the days to come. This September, get ready for some twists and turns as everyone attempts to navigate the most pointless month of the year.
Read More
For Floridians, the days and weeks leading up to a major hurricane are a perplexing time.
Read More
Like Winter, the eighth and final season of Game of Thrones has arrived, and there are still many who haven't seen a single episode besides Sunday night’s premiere but still desperately want to crack “Winter Is Coming” jokes just about as much as Jon Snow wants to bone his sister.
Read More
It was a typical Tallahassee Friday night for FSU senior Amanda Bagans when she was hit with an all-consuming, earth-shattering thought: “should I get wine-drunk this weekend?”
Read More
At long last, Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on the two-year investigation into potential criminal conspiracy between Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign and the Russian government is out for all to read.
Read More