Federal Prosecutors Dreaming Of The “Harmless Fun” They’ll Have With Brett Kavanaugh


It’s not just you - we all thought we were done with the women’s rights and human decency catastrophe that is Brett Kavanaugh. After giving testimony that some called “horrifying” and women called “typical,” Kavanaugh was appointed to the highest court in the land - regardless of the fact that his anger issues would get him fired on the first day at a mall food court. In a recent drunk tweet from The New York Times Opinion, Kavanaugh's choice to wave his genitalia in a young woman’s face was likened to “harmless fun.” Coincidentally, countless federal prosecutors have created their own “harmless fun” for Kavanaugh in the form of compiled evidence of sexual assault in the off-chance that the House decides to finally stick it to the SOB.  

“After I saw that SNL booked freakin’ Oscar award winner Matt Damon to impersonate Kavanaugh, I knew there was no chance we’d get that bitch impeached. Not after we made him all sexy on TV,” said investigator and woman living a nightmare, Lauren Deegan. “Now that he’s back in the headlines and I hear talk of impeachment, I can’t help but hope he puts his historically bad behavior on display - but this time in a year where everyone can record it on Snapchat. You would think that having one accused predator avoiding any continued scrutiny while on the court would be enough to appease the American people. But apparently now, we have to constantly be reminded that one of the most powerful people in the country is trash and do nothing about it!”

“The odds of Mr. Kavanuagh getting impeached are about as high as the probability of me paying off my journalism masters degree before thirty,” noted a disappointed by not surprised reporter Sylvia Hooper before throwing a dagger squarely in the middle of picture Kavanaugh taped to her cubicle. “I already knew we couldn’t trust politicians, but you would think the blue checkmark on Twitter would still mean something to journalists. At this rate, I’m just going to have to wait for American Crime Story to set us straight twenty years after the impending case.”

If there’s anything the American people can learn from the latest development in the Kavanaugh debacle, it’s that shitposting on Twitter, while incredibly damaging to your professional credibility, is still a great way to keep it #real. As survivors of sexual misconduct continue to share their stories in the face of men with a stupid amount of power, it’s important to remember that accountability systems are still in place and must be properly utilized. And Brett, if you’re reading this, just know that you deserve the horrid conditions plaguing the American prison system that you’re likely to avoid once again.

The Eggplant FSU