Friend Who Did Ketamine Swears He’d Never Be Dumb Enough to Vape

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Cool kids and douchebag adults alike have been sucking up the sweet pods of nicotine juice for years now. Although vapes have caused literal death, there has been no stopping for a large majority of college students, high school students and definitely the kids that bullied me for not smoking cigarettes in the seventh grade. Not every person vapes, though. There happens to be a lot of people who are above the destructive revolution that is Juuling; specifically, those that fill the gaping void inside themselves with more productive things- like ketamine.

“It’s like, I’m not that dumb,” said senior, A.J. Keller while feeling his insides boil as he sipped on a McDonald’s Sprite laced with cough syrup for that extra boost. “I study this type of stuff every day as an Athletic Training major, so I know what’s in it for the most part. Plus, I’ve only ever lost feeling in my arms twice while doing it. I’m sure the sickos who vape have lungs black as Boron, but I, on the other hand, have lungs as clear as the crystals I’m growing in my backyard lab. I go to my classes most of the time and get my shit done when I can remember, so why does it matter if I do horse tranquilizers in my free time? It’s natural and certified organic. Oh, suddenly you’re better than a horse? Dream on, buddy.”

“I never thought I’d end up in a coma from my e-cigarette, yet, here I am!” said high school sophomore and ex-vaper, Bethany Ronner, while applying Cool Mint chapstick vigorously. “I couldn’t tell if my shortness of breath came from my minor struggle with obesity or my obsessive Juuling. Turns out it was mostly the magic USB after all. When my mom found out, she was so mad she made my friends and I leave our Juuls in the kitchen overnight at my Requiem For a Dream watch party. Like, what a bitch! I wish I had just gotten into prescription stuff like my brother and his friends. They can’t do simple addition anymore, but at least they still have lungs. Plural.” 

There might be a spike of students using opioids recreationally, but at least they’re not stupid enough to buy a stick full of mango cancer water. Next time your roommates are taking a ride on the hard drive carousel, think of the potential long-lasting impacts on your health and your reputation. Smackin’ the e-cig may be all the rage right now, but consider how fucking dumb you’re gonna sound explaining to your children why every picture from your early 20s features you chomping away on some tumor juice. It’s not a competition—all of them are deadly. What matters is if you’re having fun and being safe about it. You only live once, right?

The Eggplant FSU