Girl Opens Wine Bottle Without Help from Male Friends, Redefines Feminism

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It was a typical Tallahassee Friday night for FSU senior Amanda Bagans when she was hit with an all-consuming, earth-shattering thought: “should I get wine-drunk this weekend?” Her inner-circle of gal pals were more than thrilled when she shared this groundbreaking suggestion to them and were quick to scavenge together an assortment of Barefoot and Sutter Home bottles that are sure to make perfect flower vases once guzzled down. What was supposed to be an average night in for the ladies, however, quickly became a feminist swan song when--for the first time in her drinking life--Bagans managed to unscrew a cork without the help of a lingering man.

“I felt the ‘pop’ from the bottle, and it put me into a complete shock. After years of consistent failure, I finally did it. The fake-granite countertops of ever college apartment’s kitchen are no longer suited for leaving dirty plates to crust or for displaying an unreliable toaster. This is a holy site now,” gushed Her-storian Bagans while wiping down the counter in her friend Jamie’s kitchen where the miracle took place. “I had always identified as a feminist, but never have I felt so deeply connected to the women’s movement. Not having to ask some random guy named Duke at a party to unscrew a cork for me as my friends frantically look up how to do it on WikiHow feels like an extended metaphor for my newfound inner freedom.”

Some were less impressed with Bagans’s big moment, including her longtime friend and trusted bottle-opener, Darren Hughes. “It’s really not that big of a deal. She opened a bottle of Moscato - so what? I’ve been opening them for her for years now,” said Hughes while recklessly spinning a corkscrew in his hand like an alcoholic’s fidget spinner. “She thinks she can just replace me now that she knows how to take a piece of cheap cork out of a bottle of $8 wine? Does this mean I’m no longer invited to her Galentine’s Day brunch or her friend Rachel’s bachelorette party? Is this what everyone on Twitter means when they ‘cancel’ men?”

Despite the backlash from her male friends, it is clear that Amanda Bagans has certainly spearheaded a movement in which women need not stand idly by as men mansplain how to properly twist out a cork. Once this vital life skill is acquired by all women, we are sure to be entering a new wave of feminism with endless possibilities. Just think about what we as a gender can accomplish next--like not calling our dads when maintenance lights come on in our cars, opening a beer without a twisty-top or staying on the phone with guy friends as they walk to the parking garage at night. The future is bright, ladies!

The Eggplant FSU