Nephew Calls Aunt For First Time In Years To Get HBO Password For Game Of Thrones Watch Party
Like Winter, the eighth and final season of Game of Thrones has arrived, and there are still many who haven't seen a single episode besides Sunday night’s premiere but still desperately want to crack “Winter Is Coming” jokes just about as much as Jon Snow wants to bone his sister. While it is perfectly understandable to want to be a part of the world’s largest television phenomenon, which, for all intents and purposes, is just a hornier version of Harry Potter, it remains widely frowned upon to show any pride for a show that’s helped you recognize various stars’ boobs. While many earnestly want to tell you that “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” their lack of money has prevented them from engaging in the TV event of the year—without a call to their Aunt Karen in Jacksonville to see if she’d mind sharing her HBO account login.
“Hi, Aunt Karen, how’s the psoriasis going?” asked junior Garrett Beckton as he tried to balance a polite conversation with making updates to his Jon Snow and Daenerys (of the House of Targaryen) Tumblr ship account. “I’ve heard there’s this great documentary on there about kale on there. I’m definitely not using your HBO subscription to see if Jon Snow’s going to be getting frisky with Khaleesi’s dragon after that wild ride they’re rumored to share during the premiere. I mean I obviously stopped watching after all the incest stuff; I’m not looking forward to the potential bestiality at all,” said Beckton after way too long of a pause. “Now what’s your cat's name and your favorite number again?”
“When I saw Garrett’s fifth-grade spring picture pop up on my cell phone screen, I was overjoyed. The last time he called me was two years earlier to ask if my Netflix password was still the name of my old labrador, Kramer. May he rest in peace,” said superstar accountant and sister of Garrett’s mom, Karen Beckton, while showing off the aforementioned photograph of her nephew holding a football in an oversized Dan Marino jersey. “After asking about my psoriasis, which by the way, is actually just a side effect of my heartburn medication, he immediately began rambling about dragons and some strange foreign names I couldn’t recognize. I voted for Obama twice, but I don’t know if I want someone named ‘Sansa’ running around my neighborhood wreaking havoc. Regardless, I’m just glad he’s using the TV to learn—unlike my brother’s son Kevin that watches that horrible show with the lady on the sword chair whose haircut makes her look like Ellen Degeneres got caught in the wheels of my 2012 Subaru Impreza.”
As millions of stunted 10-minute phone calls come to a conclusion, so does the lifespan of Game of Thrones, as there are only seven more weeks of way-too-long sex scenes and dragons expertly personified to make you feel the deepest pits of human empathy. So say goodbye to your favorite characters—as the drama of killing them off is too much to resist—and instead, say hello to your aunt who’s been hoping you’d have some time to talk about whether you’ve “found a nice girl at college yet.” Even with the new season being upon us, the rightful ruler of the throne, which looks pretty damn uncomfortable, is still up in the air—just like the password to every random family member’s HBO Go subscription.