Girl Asserts That It Isn't Okay To Joke About Hurricane Dorian Because That Was Her Ex's Name


For Floridians, the days and weeks leading up to a major hurricane are a perplexing time. With so many methods of preparation to choose from (organizing a ‘cane-themed kickback, doing absolutely nothing at all, stocking up on White Claws in case things go all Hunger Games, or switching things up by calling home to inquire about the safety of your family instead of asking for money), it’s only natural that humor might be a part of that prep work to mask the underlying fear that this hurricane might put you in 90 degree weather with no AC. However, an even larger threat than 160mph winds looms for those with a freshly wounded heart. No one should have brought up her ex’s name - even if it’s also the hurricane’s.

“I don’t think I’m insane for asking people to be just a little more considerate, you know?” said Nicole Harrisburg, quote-tweeting a graphic about the hurricane strengthening to a category 5 with ‘men are trash’ while Lizzo played softly in the background. “It’s hard enough seeing his name everywhere, but it’s literally so insensitive for people to be making jokes with the same name I almost got tattooed on my hip after three months of dating. Before you tweet that meme, just think: ‘could there maybe be someone out there who’s been broken up with recently in a Moe’s parking lot by a guy with a bowl cut named Dorian who works at Planet Fitness and wasn’t really that bad once you got past the World War II fetish?’ It’s not that hard, guys.”

“I had to mute her on Twitter. It was getting fucking weird,” said roommate Julia Browning, while burning a used copy of A Picture of Dorian Gray in hopes that it would ward against ex-boyfriend spirits. “At first it was seemingly semi-normal replies under weather updates like ‘sad‘ and ‘unbelievable’ garnished with sad faces and broken heart emojis, but then that turned into ‘I miss you’ and ‘please come back’ and ‘what we had was special, Dorian, and I can’t believe you would throw it all away over losing a round of Couples World War Trivia.’ I told her I was going to a Hurricane Dorian party on Sunday night, and she blocked me - both on twitter and real life. I was about to head out when I discovered that within the forty-five minutes it’d taken me to perfect my radar map eyeshadow look, she’d boarded the front door shut. At least we’ll be safe if the storm decides it’s had enough of her Hurricane Dorian slam poetry.”

Hurricane Dorian might be a prime opportunity to tweet something objectively unfunny but generally relatable so you can later reply to it with “Woah this blew up,” but that sweet sweet engagement might not be worth it. Seriously consider the gravity of the disaster, the people who will be drastically impacted, and most of all, leave a space in your heart for the real victims: bitter exes. And if that’s not enough to keep you away, you better have a Michael or an Andrew that’s willing to be a sad girl’s rebound.

The Eggplant FSU