Virgin Loves Lime White Claws the Most
There are seemingly endless options of the infamous White Claw drink: Black Cherry, Grapefruit and Raspberry, to name a few. With so many choices to consume during the early hours of your BFF’s One Direction-themed waltz, there’s only one solid option that the virgin of your friend group will undoubtedly reach for—the Lime one, bitch. Tallahassee bars and fraternities alike have purposefully selected these slender cans to attract women of all kinds, and their flavor choices of the night might even include a drink for the ultimate cool party gals—virgins.
“I just enjoy the flavor lime,” said junior Political Science major Meghan Joyner, popping out a birth control pill and chasing it with a lime-flavored White Claw. “I take these pills to monitor my heavy flow—not because I’m actually, like, getting some. Every time my alarm goes off in the middle of my Research Methods class, I have the pleasure of tricking my peers into thinking I’m sexually active. That is, until, I pull out my favorite sour seltzer to wash it down,” stated Joyner, while marking in her planner when her next period should come like there would be any question of its timely arrival. “I mean, sure, it’s a little embarrassing to have my drink of choice tell everyone at the club that I am most certainly not down to clown, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my level of refreshment—or my virginity—for just anyone.”
“I support my girlies in all their choices, but there’s no doubt in my mind that a Black Cherry would get her to finally fuck,” said friend and certified sexpert Morgan Rossman, who has hooked up with at least three guys if you count the random she made out with at the Strip. “Her choice in men is almost as bad as her choice in Claws. Do you know how many guys that do musical theater I’ve had to stop her from catching feelings for? It’s like geez, at least pick one of the ones whose dads made them get a STEM degree. Ever since the White Claw shortage hit, I’ve had to switch to Natty Light’s hard seltzer. I thought the laws of supply and demand disappointed me when my family lost our house in the recession, but that was nothing compared to having to give up Grapefruit for ‘Aloha Beaches.’”
Although it may seem like the season for your freshman-year roommate to finally swipe her V-Card, it’s clear that the longer she sips on that sour lime seltzer, the longer her thighs will remain crossed. Try to get your virgy gal pals to dip their toe in a different type of bubbly water, preferably mango or even grapefruit (those girls f*ck). But hey, at least we know these ladies will be a super safe bet when the time comes, and of course, super into missionary.