Eggplant Horoscopes September 2019

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With the new school year officially in full swing, one can only hope that the universe is on their side. As tests, papers, and projects begin to loom in the distance, FSU students can rest easy knowing that the experienced and reliable astrological defense force here at The Eggplant FSU is here to provide the utmost cosmic guidance for the days to come. This September, get ready for some twists and turns as everyone attempts to navigate the most pointless month of the year. 


September couldn’t come fast enough for you, Aries. You’ve been sitting on the edge of your cushioned Pier 1 seat waiting for the fall semester to finally get a move on. This month, try to tame your inner fire, especially when your peers think it’s a good idea to suggest the class play “never have I ever” as an icebreaker. 


Taurus, it is in your nature to stay grounded. That may be difficult this month as a potential lover will come out of the woodwork and attempt to sweep you off your big ol’ feet. As hard as it may be, don’t get lost in the sauce. Nothing is ever what it seems at first glance, especially if his 2012 Jeep Wrangler has a “Navy Wife” sticker on the back windshield.


September is sure to be an exciting time for you, Gemini. Money will be abundant in the coming weeks, but it is vital that you exercise patience and restraint in all matters of spending. Could you buy a third pair of FILA Disruptors the moment that direct deposit hits? Yes. Should you spend your hard-earned cash on more chunky sneakers that could wipe out an entire colony of ants? Perhaps not.


Sweet Cancer, we regret to inform you that this month will make those eye sprinklers work overtime. Prepare yourself for an emotional bomb to be dropped by someone near and dear to your big, stupid heart. Remember, there are plenty of people in your life that would never blow off your plans to finally get low-lights together and instead go to Sugar Rush with their G-Big. Those shakes aren’t even that good, tbh. 


You’re still feeling the highs and lows of your zodiac’s time in the sun, Leo, but get ready for a big shake-up in the career department. While you were spending the last month and a half basking in the sweet glory of birthday attention, it’s time to buckle down and update that LinkedIn profile once and for all. That internship at Costco comes with a free membership, and that's sexy as hell if we’re being real.


Virg, it’s your birthday and Beyonce’s this month, and you’ve made sure to let everyone know it. While there’s nothing wrong with being a diva every now and again, remember that you don’t necessarily run the world (girls). Don’t hurt yourself by being obnoxious to your friends and family unless you want to find out how irreplaceable you actually are. Remember to say sorry, because none of us are flawless.


Ms. Libra, your beauty and the attention you get from it have always been important to you, but that’s no reason to say yes to all those requests for feet pics. Try buying a jelly highlighter or going crazy and putting glitter on both your face and hair when you go out for the third time this week instead. You know yourself and your worth, so don’t cave to pressure, especially if that pressure is your boyfriend trying to convince you that Family Guy is actually really intelligently written.


Syllabus week has you feeling as misunderstood as your Calc 3 homework, Scorpio. You’ll have to remind yourself, and others, that just like the Free People skirt with a mysterious stain that’s $3 at Goodwill, you’re worth the risk. Keep in touch with your emotions and analyze them to the fullest extent you can before you get cast as the third FBI agent on Mindhunter


Spicy Sag, you haven’t been able to help all the jealousy you’ve been feeling watching the girl you hated in high school getting to study abroad in London this semester. Remember that you create your own adventures wherever you are. Without you, your friends would have never gone to a sex shop as a bit. Plus, no one will be able to fucking stand that girl anyway when she comes back from four months abroad and refuses to stop ending her texts with “xx.”


Did you realize that Capricorns are represented by the sea-goat? I fucking did not. Literally don’t let anyone say anything to you ever again because you are a fucking sea-goat, and that’s all that matters.


Aquari-to-the-us, you’re a giver by nature, but that doesn’t mean you have to donate to every GoFundMe asking to help pay for someone to start their own Etsy store selling knitted dick-shaped plushies. Instead of giving your all to everyone else, take some time to do something crazy and fun for yourself. Why keep your roommate comfort while watching Friends for the fifteenth time when you could, I don’t know, go to Friends trivia and win a $15 MadSo gift card instead?


They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but when those fish are Pisces, we’re almost rooting for an algal bloom. No offense, but take September as a month of introspection. Was it really a good idea to suggest that everyone get zooted before going mini-golfing? Or did you just want an excuse to zone out as everyone else fucking loses it over some glow-in-the-dark putt-putt?

The Eggplant FSU