Acknowledging its status as an overrated institution favored by the politically incompetent, the University of Florida has officially changed it's name to the Trump Tower of the South.
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With “Sucks to be U” shirts happily tucked back into drawers and “Beat Clemson” pins appropriately stuffed down garbage disposals, UF Hate Week has arrived.
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When shopping for Good Boy Clubs at FSU, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by the wealth of options to choose from with cool Greek-style letters and fun Power Ranger names. One trio of transfer students from Reed College was so disheartened by the search, they decided to start a new fraternity of their own. Quinoa Miller, Trey Jackson and Rufus Tyler couldn’t find a suitable house near campus that would bring their organization respect. Luckily, Tyler had spent the summer building the tiniest frat house in the nation.
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As many students participated in the annual ritual of getting shitfaced in a $60 costume they will try to return on November 1, Junior Ed Little found himself wandering the dark unforgiving streets of autumnal Tallahassee.
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During Saturday’s devastating invasion from Clemson unto FSU’s football stadium, the Jimbotron, perched high in the heavens on top of the debts of the student body, presented an unexpected broadcast.
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With the highly anticipated Clemson game approaching this Saturday, hopeful attendees are scrambling to find student tickets to Photoshop their names onto before they get too drunk at the tailgate and miss the game.
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CW: Slavery, racism
Nostalgic for the kitschy ole days of mason jars and auctioning off human beings, many Florida State students are hoping to continue the legacy of institutional racism started by their ancestors by voting to keep the statue of Francis Eppes on campus.
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As the cool early fall fog rolled away from the Southeast side of campus just before sunrise last Friday, Freshman Andrea LaPique was shocked to notice what appeared to be a large gun barrel being loaded into the construction site on Jefferson Street outside her Landis Hall dorm window.
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In a completely unexpected and not at all in line with their everyday values move, local sorority Delta Iota Kappa banned all people of color from their Great Gatsby-themed social last Thursday.
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We’ve all been there, ready to finally confess your true feelings to that one special person whom you were sure wanted to move to the next level, only to have all of your hopes and dreams toppled to the ground when they say that they’d “rather just stay friends.”
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Florida State is a hotbed of millennial activism. In addition to the many hardworking students and faculty fighting to bring progress, social change and diversity to our campus, there is also a group of students clinging desperately to hate speech, oppression and social regression.
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Earlier this evening, The Tab reported that there has been outbreak of Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease (HFMD), most commonly found in kindergarten classrooms, among fraternity men at Florida State.
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According to numerous eyewitnesses who described what they saw as “depressing,” “eye-opening,” and “definitely the worst thing I’ve seen since I went into a Bellamy bathroom,” a lone freshman sat by himself at the bar inside Chick-fil-A, mournfully gazing at each and every college student that entered the area during the Wednesday lunch rush.
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Following a massive cloud that sophomore Steve Anderson exhaled as he stepped out of the Bellamy building, John Thrasher has decided to take safety precautions and cancel classes for the rest of this week.
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Snapchat’s interactive filters have become a fun new way for college kids to show each other that they would literally rather stare at themselves in a tiny screen than do any amount of homework. Many filters have been introduced, from the scary to the hilarious . . .
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NOT FAKE: Free Pizza in John Thrasher’s office from 3-6:30 with valid FSU ID
Attention all students! Today, from 5-7:30, free pizza will be available in and around John Thrasher’s office.
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