We’ve all been there, ready to finally confess your true feelings to that one special person whom you were sure wanted to move to the next level, only to have all of your hopes and dreams toppled to the ground when they say that they’d “rather just stay friends.” Then comes the fiery resentment and murderous thoughts hidden under the “oh yeah, that’s fine.” This is the exact situation that administration wants to avoid with their decision to rename the home of mathematics and meteorology on campus from the Love Building to the “Like You as a Friend” Building.
“We don’t want to give students the wrong idea,” said Sam Buchner, chair of the University Campus Nomenclature Committee. “Math and meteorology are confusing and ambiguous enough, the last thing we need is them misinterpreting our message. The relationship needs to remain professional.” In their announcement, the Committee stated that they wanted to diffuse any sort of assumptions early and that they “aren’t looking for anything serious right now.” This comes despite claims that the Love Building has apparently been spotted making eyes at Diffenbaugh.
The decision was released on Wednesday, upsetting many of the faculty and students who have classes in the building. “How could they do this? I mean, c’mon, I’m a nice guy!” sobbed Javier del Usinál, as a tear dropped from his cheek into the pint of Häagen-Dazs in his lap. “I thought we had something special. I showed up to Calc II every day, even when I contracted Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease! Now I’m just going to have to sit there awkwardly, trying to let go of my ego and masturbating as soon as I get home.”
All signage is set to be replaced by Fall 2017, the enormous cost of which will be covered by hocking the 1500 flowers, 31 boxes of chocolates and $13,500 worth of jewelry left by misguided suitors. The Committee has now shifted their focus to a new referendum to determine whether or not HCB is really that huge after all.