Attention all students! Today, from 5-7:30, free pizza will be available in and around John Thrasher’s office. The official statement from his office asks students to enjoy some nice Papa John’s despite the fact that with every bite they take, more and more voters around the county will be casting ballots for Donald Drumpf (#JohnOliver2016). The President’s office wants students to know they are welcome to stuff themselves into a lethargic pizza-coma to cope with the fact that with every nibble of crust, one more conservative voter is prioritizing their anger over the livelihoods of Muslims, Hispanic immigrants and every other marginalized group that Drumpf seeks to further degrade.
“It’s kind of like a pregame for the ice cream social,” said Thrasher as he longingly looked at a picture of Jeb Bush before throwing it in the trash. “Which, by the way, will be a fun li’l event that will allow students to gorge on ice cream even though by that time Drumpf will have likely locked up the nomination, and this may be one of the final moments of happiness in their young lives.”
Types of pizza include cheese, pepperoni, meat lovers’, vegetarian and none of those actually. The only pizza is a new specialty pie called The Donald. Its toppings are horseradish and bullshit, and no matter how much you don’t want it, it’s what you’ll be forced to have anyway. It might not be so bad, though; Chris Christie has apparently eaten forty full boxes of The Donald, (what was a standard portion before, even if it was a different type of pizza) a surprise given that prior to his exit from the race he had at least one iota of integrity.
Also available at the party is marijuana, just in case the impending victory of an egomaniacal sadist has caused students to lose their appetite. Students are also encouraged to show up ba ked as shit, because sobriety is not the appropriate state of mind for processing a nationalistic hate-mongerer’s captivation of middle America. The bodacious bud will also be provided by Papa John’s.
Editor’s Note: We at The Eggplant acknowledge that most of this article is satirical, but there REALLY IS pizza in John Thrasher’s office from 3-6:30, so check it out and be sure to bring your FSU ID! We also acknowledge that the end times could be upon us and encourage you to go to a park with your friends and family, admire the trees and sky as you walk to class, and do something nice for a stranger.