Following a massive cloud that sophomore Steve Anderson exhaled as he stepped out of the Bellamy building, John Thrasher has decided to take safety precautions and cancel classes for the rest of this week. The cancellation comes soon after FSU faced criticism from students for failing to cancel classes the morning Hurricane Hermine made landfall near Tallahassee.
“Honestly, duder, I just needed a big drag after that microeconomics lecture. After all, that was the real drag. Right, brother? Ha ha!” said Anderson as he re-virginized every student within a ten-foot radius. “I’m excited to get the rest of the week off, even though it wasn’t my intention. That’s a ‘positive externality’ for ya, professor! Ha ha!”
“After I heard about the hubbub last week, I decided to go ahead and close down operations as soon as I saw that MASSIVE CLOUD, bro!” said President Thrasher as he carefully mixed vape juice for his limited edition Buddha RDA. “I swear, artisanal micro-batching is the IPA brewing of vaping. I’m really into this Tahitian Vanilla and Pineapple blend - I call it Seminole Wind.” Our fearless leader then disappeared behind a cloud of tropically-scented tobacco vapor as the Hamburger Helper mixtape gently bumped in the background.
“Anyways, brother, I actually sort of backed the decision to not close down Thursday morning because of the hurricane,” said Anderson, who wrote-in Jill Stein for all local government seats as well. “I’m a sucker for consistency, and I must admit, I admire John Thrasher’s dedication to ignoring both global warming and its indirect effects!”